This is 20 days of me. I mean sure, the last 12 years are of me, but this is the countdown to half a century.

In the aftermath of the incident, I did not allow myself the opportunity to live and celebrate. I did not deserve it after allowing the incident to happen.

It took until 2019 to give myself a little respite and make the attempt to live.

That resulted in Unity Munch weekend and the beginning of love again.

2020 & 2021 found me instead of celebrating waiting to get permission to smile.

In 2021 the little one was firmly implanted in my life, and the thing about her is that she really is walking joy. I did not think that people like her existed, but she does. She wanted to make me smile for my birthday even though we were separated by 3000 miles. The boxes arrived and I waited until I could get her online to open. I thought it would be nice to include Lord Voldemort as well, that seeing his girl happy was something that would make him happy.

I wanted the people that I loved to share in a moment that I’d not had for years. The rebirth of me, so to speak, where I get to do the things I’ve been denied. Either in childhood. Either as I did forfeit in exchange for the happiness of Bonnie & Clyde. Either in self flagellation after Halloween 2014.

I sat at the dining room table in West Philly unpacking and each item was something the little one chose with the intention of making me smile. I did. I laughed at some, and I teared up a little. I could feel HER love through the screen and her joy was infectious. Then I looked to the left to see him stone, unmoving and cold.

I can still recall the conversation.

Me…showing the items him turning more cold moment by moment. Why didn’t I share a wish list with him was the question.

I didn’t have an answer. It didn’t occur to me to send him one.

I rarely ask for gifts. I mean…they are gifts. I want them to be from your heart, for you to think of me and deliver what makes sense. What you want me to have. What you see for me. Especially if I am relevant in your life. The request for the Apple watch? That was a bit of a flex, let’s see if he will do it. Yes I wanted a watch, yes I wanted an Apple Watch but I was not losing sleep about it. I would have been just as happy with a card and a teddy bear.

or a card

or a happy birthday I love you

What I got was a little one who understood the assignment and Master who refused to give his charge a moment.

By the end of that session I was sobbing and apologizing for having the audacity to have a moment of joy that he’d not been the direct person to deliver.

In the abstract? That is slavery. In reality? Fuck that shit.

2022 has me in California, and the birthday plans I’d had are no longer the ones which will happen. I pictured Napa and him. I pictured any number of alternate versions where just like in 2019 when I opened myself up, he would be there and I would be with him.

Today there are restraining orders and disgust.

I still want to celebrate.

I will, but what that looks like is still a mystery to me.

The budget is still tight, but it will loosen …just a little this month. I am finally after this week going to be able to meet that specific 15th and 30th obligation without sweat on my brow. I am going to be working my ass off in overtime this month, but the result will be I can clear out some of the low hanging fruit as the saying goes and move more clearly to the next steps. By Thanksgiving I will be back on solid ground and the pessimist in me screams that it took 11 months, the reality is that it took 6 and the love of 2 very special people.

Even if it DID take 11 months? So the fuck what? I moved cross country with basically clothes and a bed frame and look at me NOW.

The reflection of the next 19 days is a testament to me, and those I’ve chosen around me.

It is a reminder when the darkness attempts to settle again, that all things are temporary.

10/21 through 12/31 have been rough since 2014. It is now within my power to make it something different. The truth is that it’s always been within my power, the difference this year is I am picking up the sword and slicing through it. Even though the sun hasn’t broken through the clouds yet here, it is there. Even if Nicole hasn’t yet punched her way through, she is also still here.

Forward.