I had intentions, really I did. They didn’t play out like it might in my head, but that is life right? It’s Sunday morning and I have to go into the city today. Check the mail etc etc.

The last week it’s taken the sun hours to break through the fog and that is sort of what I feel like this morning, waiting to burn through the fog.

My days are spent doing overtime, my nights are spent trying to sleep without dreaming, the in between is… not memorable and I think that is a good thing. Maybe. Living so that there is no extreme high or low, is a good thing, maybe. I go back to large moments in time when this was a thing and I worry that I am missing something. Truth is I am missing ‘something’ – him. Not him but yes him. Someone to cling to in these moments as the calendar gets closer to the 31st. I stopped looking at the 20th, lost sight of the celebration.

I can’t get it back, but I do know how to fake it. I may no longer fake orgasms but I still know how to fake life.

There are plans. A dinner. A day at the beach. The beach in October is something not really possible where I am from. I will enjoy them I am sure, yet the calendar ticks on.

I recall his stories of Halloween and how celebratory it is for him. I shared that I didn’t know if I would ever feel the same, and he expressed that he’d make it special for me. That there would be a place for me at the Halloween parties. That reality is no longer a thing. The reality which remains for me is the one I’ve had since 2014. This year was supposed to be different and it still can be, I just have to bully my way through and make it different.

The funk is real though. In part because of the financial struggles, in part because I no longer belong.

Yes even I have to admit that I want to belong, and the absence of that weighs on me. Yes the little one needs me but it doesn’t serve me in the same way belonging does.

I need to be owned.

That is not on the table at the moment, and nothing is on the horizon. The only meaningful connection I’ve made is Iron Man, and being honest he’s losing his appeal. That appeal is nice when I need a reminder that there is other penis out there, yet it is also a burden when it’s not all that I crave. All that I want when he’s finished is for him to go, and I want someone who I crave to stay.

I am going to keep him for the moment, I also understand that eventually he will disgust me. He is in the studio today, or will be if he finds the money he asked me for and I declined to give. It’s just as well because I don’t have the energy to pretend to want him today.