I have gratitude which is why I am most likely typing instead of doing something else. I know this moment in time is temporary but the nagging fears of past learned lessons sit on the front step and wait for me to pick them up and carry them again.

While I stop and take a moment I need to figure out the balance between learning my lessons, incorporating those lessons, and wallowing in the self loathing and failure which has consumed me most of my adult life.

I feel as if I have not learned all the lessons, but I cannot stop and take a moment to figure it out, not really. I have to power through and get to December 1.

In theory by then all will be settled, but even as I type this I consider what comes with December and it makes me want to go back into the bed and not face any of the challenges ahead of me. I feel exhausted but that is the last thing I can be in this moment.

In my head, there is a warning bell—- you missed something, and it’s going to come back to bite you. Yet, I have the truth on my side, even if there is no law degree.

I’ve spent too much time this week in the memories of the love I thought I’d finally captured and the reality of the hamster wheel I am on. I haven’t spent enough times thinking about things like dinner with the 3 of us and the laughter it created. Yes there was another 3 just for a moment, and while I take pleasure it was able to be created, I did not partake because I was trying to fix something else.

As I type this, the big issue is out of the way, but the multitude of little issues still stands and remind me that rest is an illusion, I am an illusion.

The universe decided I was not meant to be a billionaire today, so I am still the girl who has to work and figure this shit out, all of this shit out. The home, the love, the reciprocity, the payback, the told you.

The difference today is the sunshine and I am embracing it, because I’ve seen what it looks like where there is none.

I need one more week, and from there I can craft a plan, but in the process of getting to that week I wonder what I will miss that could come crashing down on me. When you juggle a chainsaw and miss your turn you can lose a limb.

I survived the 31st and I am very slowly returning to the problem solver and manifester. I extended an offer of settlement that I am sure Lord Voldemort will reject, yet I did my part by offering it. I know that I will show up alone this time and that is terrifying, but the girl who slays …or rides dragons does not fear fire.

I need to make a decision about Iron Man, but I don’t need to make that decision today, or tomorrow, it needs to be made soon though.

Will I get out of my own way? Most likely, yet in the process of getting to that moment, I ask myself what it looks like when I actually do it.

We are going to end with a positive though, the credit score is ABOVE 600 again.