sometimes the y’all is me

I haven’t been here lately and I attribute that to me hiding from myself. It happens, although it happens a lot less than it used to once upon a time.

Sunday mornings used to be dedicated to writing group, and in the thick of the repetition, I spent a lot of time venting out things that were bothering me. A fair amount of that was attached to Lord Voldemort , but some of it was about me.

I had a moment the other day, fleeting, but it still happened where I had a vizion of what life would be like if I had him back. The reality hit me quickly, that it was something not beneficial to me, but for a moment it was there.

In the hours after, I asked myself what triggered that. I explored why after 7 months I thought it was something that I wanted. In the lead up to that moment my nights were filled with dreams of Lord Voldemort , of Kahlil. They are my 2 great loves, not to toss aside the others who’ve captured my heart over the years, but those 2 brought from me something else the rest did not. Totality.

They were the only 2 I gave everything to, and they both summarily rejected all of me.

One might argue that at least Kahlil got a decent deal out of it. His presence in my dreams makes me question that, but at least I am 3000 miles away from that landmine. Lord Voldemort…not so much in the physical distance but emotionally you can say its 3k.

In the thought that I wanted HIM again, it occurred to me what it would take to create that and I am not willing to do that. I’ve been in the place where the trust was shattered and you return, and its waiting for the other shoe to drop almost to the point that you force it. See I do learn lessons.

The novel printout of our conversations is within my sight line as I type this and this week I will have to pour through it again, court is on the horizon. I don’t look forward to that but I do look forward to this being over for good.

As I power through this funk, and remind myself of who I am and what I can do, I am taking a moment to remind myself that I am not okay. I will be but I am not in this moment.

The pressures of the last 7 months have begun to show, in the ways I know they can, and I am still fighting but I stop and cry from time to time remembering that this was supposed to be the place I no longer had to knuckle up.

I dislike him for that, but I also condemn myself for not securing myself more, and trusting too much. With the love and support of others, I’ve powered through, and as December 1 rolls closer, assuming they fix the issues with rent cafe this will be the first month that I don’t have to scramble and hustle. Moving from temp to perm helped, the bonuses will help, and 2023 looks like I can start anew.

I am sobered by the realization that I have now spent more time here, without him, than I did with him, but I am still here. Period.

I am less infatuated with Iron Man these days, and I understand that it is because of the distance, that while I am saying out loud that I want the relationship, internally I am running from it. Iron Man is a stop gap. As long as I continue to fuck him, I am not going to seek anything else, and that makes my pussy a little dry.

I will figure it out though.

I’ve hid here in the apartment, and I am going to change that just a little today. I am making the outside trip to the market instead of a delivery, and finish cleaning the bedroom. I know the steps, clinical and systemic to turn the page and I am doing them. While it is a little chilly at the moment to open up the windows, I still live in this apartment with the natural light and for that I am grateful.

I reminded myself this morning as I updated the website that I haven’t chased my other dream yet. There were 2 reasons to arrive here, love and prosperity. Now to shift my brain from the idea that I have neither when the reality is that I have both, and both in abundance. It may not look like what I thought it would, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.