It’s about 8pm on the East Coast. I spent 49 of these nights there and this is my first on the West Coast. I can recall one year while still at the house on Limekiln, before the arrival of Clyde. I was determined that I was not going to be in that house again on the party night of the year. I cannot recall where I’d planned to go, just that I was dressed and waiting for a cab when Bonnie and Valerie began their usual shit about how foolish I was to want to be out on New Year’s Eve.

I think the cab came at like 1159m but I made it out.

I am not religious but I do still but into some old wives tales. Don’t give a wallet without money in it, don’t but your partner shoes they will use them to walk away from you etc etc

I was desperate to be away from Limekiln, as I felt like I would be trapped there for the entire year.

I don’t feel that way tonight. The sun is setting here and I am comfortable. I am a little restless as I decide if I am going to head to the Townhouse, but if I do not? Then I am comfortable being here. I don’t feel the anxiety I did at the house on Limekiln.

A year ago, Lord Voldemort was getting ready to head out with Kalifornia Karen to that same Townhouse I referenced. I didn’t know it at the time, but that is where they went. I was hopeful, the application to this residence was still in the decision stage, and I had a job offer that was to start January 10th. I was about to make what he called back then a seismic shift, and uproot all that was known to me and take what I thought was a sure bet on that which was to come.

365 days later, I know differently, but I was in love, and hopeful. I didn’t even stress that they were going out on NYE. After May, and July and the rotating court dates I thought I’d show up to the Townhouse this night, being magnificent and showing him the mistake he made. I don’t feel the need to do that tonight. Perhaps it is knowing he is sick, even if I don’t know what ails him. Perhaps it is knowing that the District Attorney is still stalking him on the sidelines. I feel like a bully trying to punch down, and I fucking hate a bully.

Do I feel like he hasn’t paid enough? Sure, in the sense that no amount of punishment will ever feel like enough after what he did, from the abrupt departure, to the assault to all he’s tried since then. I’d like to think that sentencing him to life with her is enough, and in a sense it is, because I am no longer his reprieve and what I gave to him cannot be replaced. It cannot even be mimicked.

More importantly? He really just is not worth more energy, and I am allowing that reality to envelope me.

I’ve battled through these last seven months without him. I’ve been supported by the little one and rolled up my sleeves when necessary to do things on my own. I’ve figured out how to have great sex, and there is one possibility from my not so secret website who has me genuinely intrigued. Our first F2F is this upcoming week.

My little 4′ tree is staring back at me as I type this, with its solo ornament and empty underneath. In a couple weeks the gifts for the little one will be there, and shit I might even try to wrap them lol.

I am in a good spot. It can improve most definitely, but 2023 begins my taking root here, as 2022 was me shifting in the sand.

I got an email today, one that made me call the little one and share excitement. I can’t recall the last time I did that and I am pretty sure it was before May. On a whim, I tossed my hat into the ring for something, and not only did they pick me, they approved ALL my submissions and asked me to a panel. I am walking back to the woman I was, before I stopped living because I allowed my love for Lord Voldemort to shrink me, and in his absence had to sideline for the sake of stability.

I cannot announce it until they do, but I am super excited about it.

I do miss the little one, and I actually kinda miss Iron Man tonight.

But if I choose to stay home, Micah and Vladimir and I will be just fine.

And if I choose to go out?

My jumpsuit and heels are ready, Vallejo might not be though. 🙂