It was about this time a year ago that I walked into my current residence to this:

It was unexpected for him to do something this traditional and adorable. He’d go on to do many unexpected things in the 5 months we were together here but this was the first.

I was happier than I’d thought possible. I was also more exhausted than I thought possible. I was in pain and the chaos of my arrival on a Saturday in January resulted in me spending my 2nd night in the state of California in Benicia. I’d slept in California the prior night. I drove a little later than usual, determined that my first night in my new state would not be snow covered. If you use 80W to take the trip you arrive in California in the mountains and drive through Tahoe. The snow was tall there, but the roads were clear. Side eye to the East Coast right now.

I drove until there was no more snow and made it almost to Sacramento. The Holiday Inn was a little out of my budget but considering where I’d slept 2 night prior I was okay with it. If you plan a cross country drive? Also plan out your nightly rest stops.

By the time I pulled up to the residence:

He was not here. I think he said he was at Lowe’s, another sign of things to come that I didn’t have the energy to digest in that moment. I recall it being sunny that day, but it obviously was not. It was sunny in my head though because I was living the dream. I’d done that which wasn’t possible, which is something you’d think I’d be used to experiencing but to this moment I still am not.

From the moment of that last photo to this one where I type so much has happened. I can’t put it all here, I need to tackle some things but its been an amazing year overall.

I dislike that I have to start it out in court, but the die is cast.

I wanted to go out and party today. Balls to the wall celebration of all that I managed to do this past calendar year. It deserves a celebration! I won’t do it today though. This weekend perhaps where I can add to the festivities my courthouse win.

It will be a win, because the truth is in my favor.

No I don’t have a lawyer

Yes that man thinks my offer was a sign of weakness

It doesn’t alter the truth though.

It occurred to me again, yes it would not be the first time, that my conversations with a certain person are a trap. That trap doesn’t change the truth though if it exists.

When he said he wanted out, I asked that he not leave me exposed to being homeless. I would like to think that once upon a time at the beginning of this, he did not want that for me. That there was a part of him that did give a shit about me and understood the damage he was doing to my life after promising me the opposite.

I’d always asked for 2 months rent. He then began to be…..well who he is.

I wasn’t employed when he pulled the plug. I had no way of knowing that I would land where I did and be good at it.

I only knew this place we picked because he planned to contribute was beyond my ability while unemployed. I think we both understood I would not remain unemployed, but that was the reality when he said he wanted out. I stood my ground not to punish him but to protect myself. His punishment is something I am still capable of, and I’ve never pulled that trigger. I am unlikely to ever pull that trigger because I’ve moved on.

Yes I have moments of melancholy, like this morning where I imagine what it could have been like to have this day with him. I still have moments of melancholy when it comes to Kahlil though so I don’t take that as a lack of progress. Kahlil’s birthday was yesterday by the way.

I think back to the leasing office, and the assault and it does make me sad. That 2 people who once had what I thought was respect and love were reduced to that moment. That I had to endure that, that the women in the leasing office had to witness it. That he had to cling to what was left of his manhood by punishing me. There is a whole other post there about why Black men treat Black women the way they do, but I am not writing that one today.

I am thinking instead of Friday and bookends.

His case is simple. He did it. Her case is also pretty simple, she did it also, but proving that it could continue is the challenge. The absence of their presence since the restraining orders is less about their intentions and more about their need for self preservation. I am ok with that, it keeps them on their side of town.

Their resistance to reasonable offers of settlement, that is about something else.

Her motivation stems from her privilege, his from his hubris.

Me?

I am just trying to live in peace.

I’ve had peace since the restraining orders, with the exception of when we have to go back to court and I have to prep for that. When the hearing is over and I get new dates I get to go back to that peace and it’s why I wanted the permanent ones.

It is why I still want them, even though I made the offer to dismiss them both. They rejected the offer, thinking they can win, and punish me for having the temerity to stand up for myself and protect myself. Make no mistake, their rejection of my settlement is about punishment. He took it as a sign of weakness, as I told my partner he would, and now it’s time to make me pay for the hell he’s had to endure since July.

Mind you, none of that is on ME. I didn’t tell me that I loved me, and wanted to build a life with me here, and watch me blow all my savings to make it happen, then ghost.

I didn’t make the decision to subtract the support financially, at a time when it was most needed.

I didn’t lose my cool in the leasing office and assault me when I could not have my way.

I didn’t lie to both my women, and have to endure the mess of it all.

I didn’t call the woman who was treated poorly and threaten to come to her house because I could not have my way, and force her to give me my way.

They did all of that, and now think because I extended a good faith offer that they can punish me for holding my ground against their emotional assault, his physical assault and their economic assault.

He never knew me it would appear based on this behavior, but that is their penalty not my own.

When I wake tomorrow it will be the first day of my second year.

I’ve done more in this year WITHOUT HIM, than I ever did with him.

Da Smoke is returning next month. I am presenting again. Certification should begin in March.

I am doing all of the things I dreamt of without him, even if those dreams began with him at my side.

I never needed him to make any of it happen, even if I allowed myself to think that was the case.

The next one will enjoy the life I planned for him, and with that I will return to what I need to do this week, the first day of the rest of my life, without him.