***********EDITOR NOTE******************** Even the Queer fuck up at times. If you read this post you will see that I refer to Sam Smith with male pronouns He/Him. That is social conditioning at work, presumption at work, an not doing my homework. In 2019 Sam shared their preferred pronouns of They/Them. While in theory I should have known, or checked, I did not. I looked at an artist who’s work I enjoyed, and their ‘male’ presentation and leapt to a conclusion. It was only after going down multiple Sam Smith rabbit holes and hearing those pronouns used in interviews that it occurred to me to check. Now that I know better, I will do better. Even though I am Queer, I am still also of a generation where these things were not addressed and did not “matter”. Even though I give people the choice of my pronouns using both feminine identifying and gender neutral, those who do not should have that respected. Moving forward, I will. Just because you are under the rainbow umbrella, it doesn’t mean that you are not also a product of your environment. At 50 I can look back at 30 year old me and the backlash I got when I identified as Queer to those around me. My umbrella mates were even older than I am and recall when Queer was a slur and questioned WHY I wanted to use that identifier. It is the generations AFTER me who have stepped up and demanded they be seen as they are, and I am living my truth, enabled by their bravery. Coming out as Queer at 30 was my bravery and those after me have moved the line even further. Thank you. As I work to continue to shed my conditioning please accept my apologies, and continue to teach me. Because yes, even your umbrella mates will fuck it up now and then.

Now that I am in the new worklist, there are times in the day where I have to prep accounts for further action. I make one courtesy call and then if no answer do the documentation on the account to send it to the next level. Let’s be real, this position is not going to split the atom or win me a Nobel prize. What it does though is keep the lights and the phone on if I don’t buy too many pairs of shoes. Or purses.

Because I have that ‘free’ time, I’ve taken to listening to music while I am doing it. Music is my thing, and singing is my thing. I am still no Sam Smith but I sing anyhow.

At first I tried to just listen to the music on the radio station we can get in the office. The music there? Not all that great. It’s a reminder why I stopped listening to the ‘radio’ when I got my first iPod. The not so bad thing is that I get to hear what the radio tells me I should be listening to, and that is how I found this song. While I could not make out all the words, yes the reception is THAT BAD in the office, I know immediately it was Sam. What I did not know was the voice of the woman on the song with him. Radio being what it is, in an 8 hour day, I’d hear this song at least 8 times. It never got on my nerves so I did what I do, added it to the rotation on Apple Music.

Then something happened, I wanted to see the woman so I watched the video.

When did Sam become gay? I mean, we knew he was gay, but now he is gay. It was like the English version of Little Nas X, let me woo you with Old Town Road [Stay With Me] and once you love me Call Me By Your Name [Unholy]. Now maybe I am just late, because I don’t ‘do’ current music, but Sam said fuck you I’m going to eat a sandwich and fuck you I like glitter.

Mind you, Call Me By Your Name is my shit. Now so is Unholy.

Back to the woman, I’d never heard of Kim Petras so I did the Google. If I was not in love with the song before I was after I learned Kim broke barriers for transgender persons and fought to be able to live her truth before the arbitrarily decided age of her home nation picked. Yes Bitch!

Then I said, hey let’s see what else she’s done. She has an EP called Slut Pop. She reached into my soul and put it on vinyl. Do they still call it vinyl? anyway….

I sing this song often now, and when I am in a need to smile mood I pull out the video. It’s very Cabaret which is my favorite musical, and Sam does a dancey thing. The room is full of androgynous people it’s like he was telling me to come get my life.

As I was listening to this earlier today I wanted to see the video, and then this version popped up. I imagine millions of viewers fully unprepared for this version of Sam, and unknowing of Kim’s dead name and I loved them even more. Plus that FUCKING COAT.

Then my thoughts moved to the hearing last week. I still wish I could see his Twitter so that I could see him discussing whatever the ‘health issue’ is. I want to know. There are many reasons I want to know, but one of the front runners is that I want to see how the Universe looked out for me.

As I waited for them to call us into the hearing, I flipped through the pink notebook. It had my bullet points and time stamps IF I were to need them. I was prepared for battle, and to win the battle. We had to wait though so instead of staring at the walls I went back to read the journal entries in the book. I allowed myself to re-visit the raw of the aftermath of last May page by page. I had so many questions, I was so unbalanced. Then I recalled watching an old man with a cane move towards the elevator moments before and I looked up and saw that it was him.

I think I kept my expression uniform, but who knows.

One of the things about court is that I rarely look at him or her when we are there. First they tend to slither to the back, while I am up in the front. I am sure they would say it’s about distance, but it’s also who they are I know that now.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught him struggling to get to the table with his lawyer. As we stood to be sworn in, I caught a glimpse of the clothes he wore falling off him. There I was looking majestic in my flower blazer and there he was looking like he’d just been brought up from the pen and the suit his lawyer picked didn’t fit because the lawyer did not know what size he was.

When we ended things, I did turn and see he wore leather shoes. His gait was not steady. He wore a face mask, but his walk I’d seen before. It was the walk of those who shared a floor with my Bonnie as she rehabbed from her stroke.

I waited for them to leave and then I left, wanting to make sure we kept the distance. I walk slow as fuck in general but they were still within view by the time I got outside. I watched as I walked to the garage, the lawyer and the one I thought was forever and my brain stuck on that cane.

The cane.

Knowing me, were we still together when this happened I would remain loyal. Ask Kahlil. I thought about that today. How I would have been here, sheltered and alone as he rehabbed. Beaten and defeated that I could not assist him materially, and lonely because travel would not have been a thing. Frantic when it first happened if he did not have at his disposal the means to tell me he was in the hospital. Lonely and sexually neglected because by the looks of things he ain’t fucking and this time it’s not because the yt woman doesn’t want to,

His ego would never allow him to utter the words of my release so I could fill that need of mine. My loyalty would never ask for it, because I had signed up for in sickness and in health. It would be a cold and ugly circle of dysfunction.

The Universe said naw bitch, you came out here to live, so let’s get this shit out your way so you can do it. Now here is a 34 year old with a strong back. now here is your Zoom room, go and be great and fuck that dude.

Fuck him indeed, that was for certain.

What was missing was my gratitude. I am supposed to be here and he was the catalyst. Yes he abandoned me, then tried to injure me, then assaulted me, but through it all…..I stood. I stand and remain still.

I Matrix’d several bullets now that I know who he is, and what he is capable of in his smallness, and I am still dodging them because I am not committed to him as he loses the one thing he thought made him manly. I almost feel like I should pour out a little liquor because that dick was exceptional, but nah.

I remember telling the little one after the hearing that I felt almost bad for him, because I wanted him to be healthy so he could properly experience his suffering, but I wonder if this is even more than I could have imagined. Well….I had a lot that I could have done post May, so that is debatable. I had things in the arsenal which I could have done for a good 3 years that would drag out his suffering, but his loss of virility wasn’t one of them. I was actually betting on it remaining as he settled back into his existence before me. While he may love her, he was fucking miserable, and I possess things and the ability so that I could have made sure that misery was front and center for at least the same amount of time I brought him hope and happy.

I ask out loud to no one in particular not named Nicole, is this not worse?

I am pink ruffle give no fucks Unholy Sam Smith right now and he is emaciated and impotent Stay With Me Sam Smith. And to top it off, on the day of the actual TRIAL not the lead ups to it, the white woman who calls him nigger, was not there by his side.

I could keep writing but like I said earlier, music is my thing, and Demi says it just as well as I could: