I wasn’t going to write tonight. I have to get up at 5am and I have a ton of other things that need to happen. I find myself stuck in a moment though and the physical manifestations of that moment require a purge. Hopefully the purge will allow me the sleep that’s eluded me since Sunday.

I have a work wife. It is one of those moments where I am unsure HOW it happened, but it did. The work wife won’t be at the j o b much longer though, that is a whole other story and not mine to tell. I began in 2019 the process of creating connections. The ‘biggest’ of them was Lord Voldemort, allowing myself to experience a dynamic and romantic love again. He was not the only one though.

While I did lose some people along the way, I gained people also. I don’t spend a lot of time these days thinking about the ones I lost, except when I do.

I felt like I needed to cry today so I turned on a show, to an episode where I was SURE to let the tears drop and they did not. Too many other mental blocks, and one familiar cloak of caution. That cloak feels needed and not just because there is a freeze warning on deck for the night. Yes it freezes in Northern California at times.

I am preparing myself for the departure of the little one. The physical departure. She has things she has to do, and that will impair our proximity. I fear that, but overall I want her to be happy so I will help her with it. The Universe dropped the work wife onto my lap, and now there is a new friend. I’ve tried to keep her at bay, or is it bey? But like so many others lately, she stood her ground and said nope I am here. Well…ok then.

I find myself thinking what the office will be like without her, and I am not thrilled at the idea. She has to do that which she must though.

The weekend churned up a bunch of shit I was suppressing about Lord Voldemort and my desire to be in a relationship. Something else that I don’t like, and something else I just have to deal with.

I keep thinking about who I thought the two of us were, and remind myself I was the only one authentic. I want to fight the world right now as I think of things, yet I also know I am not fighting anyone other that negative Nicole.

I am pretty close to a breakthrough in something, I can’t share what yet.

When that comes though, I just hope I am fully prepared.