One of the things about the latest attempt at, well what ever the fuck he is attempting, was how low it felt. While intellectually I understood it was possible, the Pollyanna in me did not allow me the brain space to think it would. I mean, I should know better right? The person I knew, turned out to be someone different all together. When that happens, in theory, I should expect any and everything. I still hold out hope for the person I thought they were, instead of the person they actually are, I can be hopeful like that at times.

I could say that it churned up some emotions, yet that would not be honest. Those emotions are always present, always. While I’ve worked hard to forgive myself for the incident, I am not 100% effective. Some of that is just the nature of Nicole. Some of that is the conditioning of Nicole. Some of it is just being human.

I wrote about closure and forgiveness before while understanding from Bonnie & Clyde it will not occur. Yes it is a hard pill to swallow, but swallowing has never been my issue.

April is Autism Awareness month. I don’t ever forget that. April about 24 years ago I was walking through the Willow Grove Mall with a guy, and we were talking, in jest, about my need for a tax deduction. April about seven years ago I was days away from leaving the shelter to the 2br which was supposed to be where I brought Clyde ‘home.

My relationship with the Bonnie is a complicated one. She did not give birth to me, yet she is my mother. Her intentions in picking me from the Cabbage Patch were less than pure. Her rage at being left with the daughter who did not do the job to raise alone was pure though. That daughter was me, the 2nd, and me being me, well a woman like Bonnie never had a chance. We never had a chance, not even after her stroke. I’d written us off so many times before, but Pollyanna Nicole thought, saving her from the evil of Valerie, giving up who was the love of my life then, and returning to that prison of an address would be enough. It was not. I understand that nothing would ever be enough, but in the middle of it all I still strived for approval, acceptance, love. Even up to November 2014 I was still trying. After November 2014 I still tried, I remember collapsing into sobs and tears at my first visit to her when I was finally released from the hospital. I feel like I took Clyde to visit her, but I might be confusing that with the visit to the rehab she was in just weeks before the incident. Today as I type this, I cannot say that it matters. It doesn’t matter because of where I am now, but it does kind of matter.

Today, I love Bonnie, but the reality is that I haven’t seen her since 2015. In 2015 in the aftermath of the incident, I had to admit that there was no set of circumstances on this, Earth 1 that the 3 of us would be living together under the same roof again. I had to make a decision, and I chose the human who gestated in the uterus I used to have vs the woman who I loved but never quite figured out how to love me back.

I do not regret that choice. There are people in my life who do not understand that choice. Their understanding would be nice, but it is not necessary for me to know that it was right for me. Being right doesn’t = being painless, yes there are times when I have the feelings about the choice. One day the phone will ring, or I will open the mailbox and there will be a notice that her days here are no more. I will cry a little I am sure. I will likely even take some time to abuse myself about the time apart. What I won’t do is regret my choices, because they are mine, I own them.

My Clyde, he is a tad different. I mean, he’s my child, it is in his DNA to be different right?

Prior to his residence in my uterus, I’d ejected a fetus from Michael and a fetus from Eddie. Yes to those who might read this in 20 years, once upon a time abortion was legal in the United States, and I was exercising my right to have one. Prior to his residence in my uterus I’d inquired about getting my tubes tied. I’d decided that if I wasn’t going to have kids with Kahlil, then I wasn’t going to have kids. I was wrong, obviously, but that was where my ‘head’ was. When I turned up pregnant for the 3rd time, I was slowly trying to kill myself. I’ve talked about this here, which specific posts I don’t recall but it’s here. I took the pregnancy as a sign from the Universe, and it was. I also took it as the chance at love. Not the best reasons to bring a child into the world, but people have done it for worse reasons.

When I saw him for the first time, I was in love. Had you seen him, as I did you would fall for him as well. I dropped him while we were in the hospital. I don’t think I’ve ever said THAT out loud but I did. I had to pick my munchkin off the hospital floor, and he was unphased. He didn’t even cry. I can look at that moment, and the moment with the socks and see how it was foreshadowing.

From 2000-2007 life wasn’t always easy for us. We had ROUGH times, we made it through though, because mommy is resilient and Clyde is adaptable. When his Autism was finally diagnosed, it gave us services which helped, but at the end of the day it all fell on me. His father is useless to him, always was even in his times of need, it all rested on me.

When we went back to Limekiln, it was for HIM not for me. HE was happy there, with his Bonnie. Even so, in 2007 I was planning our escape. We would move West! We did not.

From 2007-2014, things were stable – ish. In 2014 at least the first half of it, we were making a lot of progress. The outside world would not view it that way, but they never had to live the day to day with him. I did, so I can speak on it.

Every worst case scenario ran through my head on Halloween 2014, and frankly zero of them came to fruition. I’d created a child who despite what the results of his diagnosis say, could exist and frankly thrive in chaos.

As a parent you want that right? You just don’t want it necessarily at age 14 after a lie rips your child away.

By 2017, the kid had transitioned to Woods, and all the worst case scenarios popped back into my head. He once more proved that he was beyond worst case, he was superior.

I had to make a decision and this one was a lot harder than the one with Bonnie. The emotion with it, the thoughts with it were different, and the consequences of it different. I needed to ask myself what was best for him. Not ME – him.

One of the things after the incident, and the conversations with the courts and the social workers and the others was people kept telling me they were doing that which was best for Bonnie & Clyde and no one ever asked me what was best for me? My pain was never considered, my needs were never considered. Even in the path to reunification, a some of it was about me. Restoring MY place, and reputation and proving ….who knows? I had to take a minute and face some tough realities. I also had to swallow my ego and be a loving mother. It felt like it was a conflict yet it was not, not really.

2017 Clyde was a 17 year old. By age 18 he would be eligible for a waiver and all which was attached to such. I also had to think about HIS future. While he does have a father, that man has never been a part of his life in any significant manner. He has a sister through his father, but other than that one fateful weekend, Clyde doesn’t know her nor does she know him. In a truth is stranger than fiction moment, I actually worked with her, his sister, at Greyhound. I never disclosed my connection to her though, it didn’t feel required.

My only ‘family’ is Bonnie and Clyde. I am not eternal. I am going to be gone from this earth at some point, and when that happens, he should still be here. What happens to him when I am no longer here? I have the answer for that now, but I did not then. I had to get to that moment.

To continue reunification would have served ME, but would it serve Clyde? In ways yes, in the big picture no.

I could bring him ‘home’ and we could be a unit again. We would be the dynamic duo again, and when my time was up, he would not be as prepared to adjust. He’d be a coddled adult without experience and interaction with the ‘system’ and the ‘people’. I would have spent all of the time trying to erase all he learned while we were separated. The other option would be, I could ‘let go’.

Letting go was not simple, and while the decision with Bonnie was simple, the one with Clyde was not. I did though, what many parents do, I put his needs before my own.

We’d had that discussion and the decision was done before November 2019. If there is doubt about that, and well there should not be, the date says it all. What is says? I will leave that for court if it comes to that, but it says that it says.

Do I have regrets? Not precisely. I’ve never found regret to be useful, this moment is no different.

I feel like I am explaining to the wind, but I also know that in many ways I am not.

The choices that I’ve had to make to get to this moment were not simple. They were also not made lightly, or without a full understanding of cause and effect. Seeing it characterized as it was, well it hurt. It was supposed to hurt though, and mission accomplished.

I am not afraid of pain.