I ask that question aloud tonight with all the voices rolling through my head. They can be loud

One of the things about this moment in time is that I understand I am, I can be anyone I choose to be, at any time. I am not bound by the concepts of my elders. I am not impeded by the hopes of those younger than me. All that confines and defines me, is …me.

Leading into December of last year as I began to make larger strides to stability, I also decided that some things needed to happen. I put in work to make them happen and now, I stand wondering what comes next.

I know what I thought I wanted next, and yes it is still a desire of mine, but something else caught my eye and I find myself having to figure out which one will be the priority. It isn’t that both aren’t possible, it is that I cannot see the path to both right now.

While my future is limitless, by present is defined by walls and a ceiling. Yes I will build up and build out, but time does not appear to be on my side at the moment. I took steps over the weekend, legally. I can almost smile, knowing that no one would have been able to predict this, and the jaws that will drop as a result.

I took a different step about a month ago, and that training is about to start.

Today during lunch I took at meeting, and well it felt great. Even though my eventual results are likely out of that person, the meeting itself was a reminder of who I am of what I can do. On the flipside it was also a reminder of what I cannot do, and that little humble bomb has me in this moment.

For a brief moment I thought this would be easy if…..and then I deliberately reminded myself of what it looked like before and understood the malfunction of another would have found a way to sabotage this, like they did that infamous Sunday night. I’d be made to feel I’d wronged them, instead of applauded for my accomplishments. We do not small ball any longer Nicole.

Then that took me off on a tangent about the dating experiment. After the April show, Da Smoke one of the participants and I had a 30+ minute non recorded conversation. She spent at least a third of that trying to find a way to elevate Iron Man from fuck boy to life partner for me. The ease at which I was able to Matrix dodge that effort stunned even me. I asked myself later, was the dodge because I was afraid of being back out there? I imagine a portion of that answer is yes.

Tonight though while eating dinner, I listened to someone I once revered and not unlike my time at the Summer House, I was shown a path. I’ve been in this lifestyle long enough to watch others take a path similar to the one I am staring at, but have not begun. Or have I?

I’ve even mocked a few for going there. I don’t expect that I will land the same as they did, but I also know how I’ve been doing things is no longer an option for me.

Little Nicole sheds a tear and asks me if I am giving up on her dream. I can say little me, no. I am making a way for that dream to be lived, but bigger and bolder than you thought possible. She still wants happily ever after, but that doesn’t have to include Prince Charming does it? Or I should say the Prince Charming of the fairy tales. There CAN be a male counterpart, but just maybe, not the type I’ve tried to round peg/square hole the past 20 years

We rarely disagreed. It was one of the things to enjoy about our relationship When we did disagree thought it was about roles. Ironic.

I am sure the little one still has the photo of Uncle Ruckus somewhere, with my voice in the background reminding him that I would never ever be defined by his standard. That standard said I only had value if a man determined it, and because at that time he did, I was priceless.

The reality he refused to accept, because it would shatter his illusion of himself is that I’ve always been priceless. How the fuck else could I have done what I did? No one else came close, not even Karen, because I really am that bitch. While for his own reasons he chose to walk away, it doesn’t change who I am.

Who am I though?

When I submitted that paperwork to the State of California Monday, I proved who I was. I also proved that I am still 10 steps ahead of him, even if his pride will never allow him to admit that. I can hear the Oracle say I’ve already made the choice, now I am here to understand it. She is correct.

I can, and I will give up that one small moment for the bigger stage ahead. When I accomplish that BOTH options will be back on the table and the only one who can inhibit forward progress is me. I also smile on the inside knowing those who doubted me, and who tried to stop me will have to watch my assent. I was will to bring you along, but Bobby Terry, you fucked up.