From Merriam-Webster Online: The first known use of patriarchy was in 1632

For a very long time I’ve realized I am just a little different than some of my peers. That doesn’t mean I am immune to the conditioning of the society around me, it simply means that on occasion I see the bullshit and call it out. One of the goals of the life of Nicole is to extract myself from that conditioning. Recent events and times seem to be making that simpler so thank you? I guess?

One of the ongoing themes here at Vizionz is the lengthy search for Nicole to find her ‘happily ever after’ with a man. The past 3 years you’ve watched me celebrate finally hitting that lottery only to find out the prize was defective. In the last couple of months I even questioned if I should start to seek that until the end Master in the feminine form.

It was something I read on the Internet that clicked the bulb for me, and if I am fortunate, and I really am fortunate it will stick this time.

I’ve spent times post separations asking myself why I could not seem to square peg my round ass into the hole that I was supposed to be in. Was I not enough? I would cry and rail, I would adjust, I would alter and land right back in the same space wondering how I ended up on the hamster wheel and if it would now slow long enough for me to hop the fuck off. It legitimate never occurred to me that if I stopped engaging the wheel would stop turning. Listen, I am cute and smart at times, but also human ….a little grace please.

In the summer of 2021 I took a week long trip West. The details of that trip aren’t as important as one afternoon, in the city I now call home. A few things happened that afternoon and in a caffeine fueled moment will attempt to lay it all out there.

It was the day I was supposed to leave, a Thursday if I recall correctly. I decided I had not seen enough of the person, and I wanted one more glimpse before I had to depart. We hopped in BB and hit the road North East. We ended up having lunch in a place called Bambino’s. The cocktails are great, the food is tasty, it was not a bad choice. My girl and I sat and chatted waiting for him, and he arrived and it was a good time had by all. There is even a photo, you know how we love to record things.

I never liked that photo but it’s still in my phone. It’s a happy-ish memory so it stays, but I never liked that photo. What was off you ask? My expression. My authenticity cam be displayed even over ‘film’ and there was something off about me in that photo. There was a smile that never quite went to my eyes as the saying goes. I always assumed that it was because I knew I was leaving and I didn’t want to put on the happy face. That is the most likely culprit, but perhaps there was also a twinge of something else.

The nice thing about the city that day was it was actually SUMMER. Listen, I was not prepared for the San Fran weather, and over a year later I still dislike it. I love the girl in the city, but NOT the city. After the meal we sat on the benches and talked. While I cannot recall how we got there the idea of 3 billion Nicoles arrived again.

Constant Reader that is a bit of an inside joke, I used to tell them a world of 3 billion mes would whip things into shape. I’m not wrong about that, but the bigger picture is their response:

NO

3 billion ME would erase the world THEY liked and we can’t have that….or can we?

My attraction to them was based in part on the conditioned part of me. The one who believes in the fairy tales. She wants ‘that’ because she is supposed to have ‘that’.

Knuckle dragging old skool patriarchy unaware that because of their melanin they won’t ever have the power it alleges belongs to them.

Over the years, I’ve listened to the stories and the rules and because I wanted them thought it was a part of their ‘charm’. It’s cute I thought, and I won’t ever have to suffer it. Except that afternoon, and other prior afternoons I did. There is video [the fucking irony right?] of the rant, of how a woman’s worth is determined by if a man wants her. There is equal video of me calling bullshit on that and reminding them, they do not define me and my worth is not dependent on their choice of me. They meant that shit and so did I. 20/20 and such it was always going to fall apart as long as those two people felt the way they did. 20/20 and such I would have suffered for quite a long time in that space, swallowing my power to be able to swallow some semen.

The trigger got me to thinking and the rungs of the ladder fell into their slots and — sorry side note — Nicole stop doing what you were doing with Western Vizionz and utilize the entries. That is the story, that is the sale.

Anyway, I never was defined by them, and even in this moment I am still not.

It was said:

“I’m certain that no man will support her completely. Not nearly the way that I support my partner, nor for nearly as long.”

It was also said:

” I think it stems from the fact that no man that you would think is valuable is checking for either of you to be his. Yes, men will fuck you. Especially younger men. When I was a younger man I used to fuck plenty of older (40s, 50s) women because it was easy and made the women feel young and vibrant and want me to fuck them
even more. Some of them even recommended me to their friends. So yes, I get that. But just like I was back then, no young dude is going to scoop either of you up and financially support your poor decision making. Younger men are usually on less stable financial footing. And an older man who is established and has his finances in order can have whichever woman he wants. Why would he pick an old, bitter, broken down nag of a mare like either of you? And the thing is, the older you get, the more you’re going to need a man’s protection and provision.”

Despite the race to Gilead going on currently in these United States, that is not the reality. It’s also never been MY reality, except in those peg/hole moments.

I can let those go, I’ve let a lot go on this path and it’s only propelled me.

The vizion is clear, the path unobstructed, and that is an issue for those who want to maintain the status quo. I am a problem, and you know what? You cannot be the solution every day, some days you have to be the motherfucking problem.

I battling 400 years. Ok. I’ve never been fearful of a fight. I also am not required to win every time, you – and that is the general YOU not a specific YOU – just have to know I was there.

If you know anything at all about me, I am unforgettable so it’s already done.