I do a lot to manage my emotions in public. Anger. Don’t express because then angry Black woman. Sadness. Don’t express because then pity arrives. Fear. Don’t express because then you are a target.

We spoke last month a little on the concept that Black women aren’t permitted to exist fully without also considering the effects on our surroundings.

This time in June I will be heading home from a BIG first. I took the shot on a whim, then thought well maybe I can’t then the Universe BITCH go make it happen, and I am.

The details on how it is happening I have to keep close to the proverbial vest but it is happening. I am still humbled at those details though. I’ve been accused of thinking too highly of myself, and I do. Think highly of myself that is, too much? That needs to be up the to viewer but I am confident in me. The first set of edits look amazing and I am still in awe of what I got done the last 2 weeks.

There is a story behind this photo, but since litigation is attached I will hold the details, just understand this was Mother’s Day one year ago. Mother’s Day. A rough as fuck day for me anyway, combined with the prior 24 hours? If I intended to roll with this course of action, I can’t say it wasn’t a push beyond limits.

I didn’t though. I didn’t choose acetaminophen. People who are in that mindset rarely do, if ever.

Medical professionals describe failed attempts as a call for ‘help’. They also make a judgement based on how the call was issued. There is always judgement even if they don’t tell you.

Those pills went back into the bottle, my story continued.

Suicidal thoughts are frequently present with me, and that is not unusual given my history. Suicide attempts? There were a few, and while I no longer consider the moments around me failures I will call those such. On a day like today I am happy to have failed in that regard.

I punched back tears last Sunday. Mother’s Day. These tears were of accomplishment and joy and hope. One year out and what I’ve done is extraordinary. What comes next is equally so, and what comes after and again? Stay tuned, you won’t want to miss it.

I hear they write books about moments like this.