I got a delivery yesterday and it reminded me of something that I was trying to forget.

One of the happy things about my arrival here was making a home for us, the family. While I told myself that I was going to finally live life for ME, I was doing the things in the beginning for the family. That’s not a terrible thing, and had things continued I would have been happy. My emotions were real, and my commitment solid. Things did not continue though, and in the aftermath, I was a single woman and a single ‘parent’.

We were both having our mourning periods, and me well I also had the life of me. No real time to lick my wounds, it was back to the grind. I can’t say I ever really exhaled until about December, and that is a big reason why January was able to happen. When I was allowed to finally grieve, I did and then I let go.

From August to say December though a curious thing occurred. I began to expand and unshrink myself.

I started to do the things, and the things for me. The East Coast trips helped with that, but I can admit it would have happened anyway. As I found ground that was more level and could support my weight, I stood in me.

Did I endure mediocre sex for some patio furniture assembly? No. I endured it to exorcise my vagina of the memory of the person I’d been faithful and monogamous to since 2019. The mediocre dick just also happened to put that furniture together. That is the thing about having a vagina, men want it and will do things for it.

Once that huge box was out and away and I had the ‘extra’ room outside, there as space and time to fill it, so I did. Each new addition was brought in, sadly, without thought that I was not alone here. Every new table or pillow or wall art was about me, and not about we. I was very WE upon arrival and I allowed the actions of another to send me back to ME.

It was in December that I slapped myself awake from that and began to add WE. WE aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. WE love each other warts and all and figure out how to giggle even when the tasks seem overwhelming.

The difference in gestation and choice? We arrived with one another with the ability to choose. We make the daily decision to choose. The difference in that and the intercourse version I bet it all on? We don’t punk out and we keep our word. Simple it is not at times, you’d have to open the pages of the two of us to see just how complex it can be some days, but there is not a day since I saw her in the airport I have not chosen her, even when I was busy being ME.

I started adding WE things, and some days it is over stimulating. I can look above this screen right now and see the overwhelm. It stays though because it is needed. I need that WE thing right there as a reminder to not slip into old habits. On their side of the bed are more WE things, which are slowly accumulating. There is even a shirt on a hangar on that side of the closet. I remember when it was suggested I get 2 night tables. I recall my empathic NO I am only 1 person damnit. It was just as emphatic a NO when it was suggested I get bar stools for the counter. Even in a WE I can put my foot down from time to time. But….can you keep a secret? I’m going to get them a night table. They have space in the kitchen and bath they might as well the bedroom, and I will smile internally when they see it and give the giggle which spreads the joy they are, while trying to keep a poker face and pretend I am the old coot I tell people I am these days.

As I think more about WE I buy things in 2 now, and I am looking forward to the big ticket purchase of 2 I have planned. That one will take a little longer but we have the time.

You see it’s not about having the ‘money’. Does $ make some things simpler? Sure, in fact a part of these lessons I would not have to learn if there was more disposable income at my ready. What I have is worth more though, and I am richer than those who would attempt to belittle me.

I might not be able to write a ‘check’ for everything my whim desires in this moment, and that is not a curse.

I recall the mutual hoping that the joy could become real because the proclamation was compensation. I recall promising to do all that I could to make it real. I wanted that once upon a time, and now….I do not. The view! The money! The friends! …and the part of the story that was never told the rum…the loneliness…..the self doubt. I got to see all of it, and in the end I was delivered away from it. Thank you.

The thing about money? You can make it. What you don’t have today you might have tomorrow. The thing about WE? It cannot be bought.

The tale can be told and twisted, but it doesn’t erase the reality. Everything that brought me here still exists, but this time without the reprieve of me. Will there be someone else? Eventually, and they still won’t be ME. That is a L.

What is not an L is WE cuddling on the sofa, WE chilling on the patio, WE in the new bed and WE going on vacation. WE are living and I cannot allow the habits of old to impact that. Shit….WE might even concede and get a television, oh wait that is not a WE that is a ME.

Up next is the trip next month. The stage. The reconnections to friend and lovers. The sundresses and laughter. The lack of sleep but no regrets. In July there is Vegas and if the new clients pan out as I think they will, a very very special birthday surprise. October is my month after all.

In between WE are making things happen.

I almost allowed myself to forget WE, but as the song goes Almost Doesn’t Count. There is a plus one and I am a very very fortunate girl. The Universe has a plan and I know the other half of WE is nervous, but like I’ve said and like it’s proven, its all for the best and there are no mistakes. Let’s roll with this and see where it takes us.