In general my moods are steady, there are exceptions though. As the month winds down, and work winds up I found myself feeling ‘off’. Could not explain it until I could.

I mean there are the usual suspects, work – class – pet sitting – missing the little one – prepping for court, which feels like that is going to be a multi year investment – content – clients – housework – etc etc etc Those things by themselves would be enough for my ‘mood’ but this mood was hitting just a little different.

I looked up and thought when was the last time Iron Man was over and then saw the date. Well fuck.

Yesterday was my grandmother’s birthday and today is Bonnie’s birthday. Welcome back depression – do not get comfortable.

The complexity of my relationship with my mother is touched on here, but alllll the details I still carry with me. Being transparent? I do not miss her. I put that to bed a long time ago. Her birthday is a reminder though of that which was stolen from me, and all related to that.

I’ve heard it said someone like me who puts all of this out here for consumption is to be avoided. I mean I suppose so , if that is how you are built I am better off with you elsewhere, Transparency and vulnerability are strengths but one would have to first be strong to comprehend that.

I used to celebrate Catherine – mommom. I stopped and I don’t recall when but I did. One of my realities is that I can romanticize things in my head, and mommom is one of those moments. She was abusive in her own ways, and I give her more grace because it was not the physical assaults of Bonnie but Catherine had her shit too.

I never really celebrated with Bonnie. I spent so much of my adult life trying to get away from her, then the stroke and I spent that time trying to access the love I thought she should have for me, then the incident and it was my opportunity to let it go.

I did, but that doesn’t mean I don’t carry the weight of that conditioning. I creeps out more often than I would like and in ways others try to weaponize.

Their shots graze these days instead of wound but even a graze requires inspection and attention and when I am doing that I am exposed.

One of the things we walk thru in therapy is how I can be accepting of leaving yet still carry guilt. That’s what a mother, or other parental will do to you though, the layers keep peeling even when you think you’ve gotten to the core. I miss the idea of a loving and accepting mother but my reality is that I did not have one by choice or by biology. My journey could have been different.

I feel guilt at times that she is alone. I understand why she is alone though, and I stand by every choice that led up to that. It’s been almost 10 years since the incident and she’s still here. She caught COVID twice and she’s still here. She lived through all of the things that made her Bonnie, and yep still here. She was not a loving mother but she is FORD tough and while her blood may not run through my veins, I still get it from my momma.

If I am fortunate, and the Universe says I am, I will be her age one day. I used to wonder if I will be alone and it used to be a fear for me. I know today I will not be alone, even if that doesn’t look like I thought it would even 2 years ago. I won’t be alone because I’ve made better choices than Bonnie. I won’t be alone because the people invested in me are the real deal.

I won’t be alone because the history I am building means there will be others to carry on what I began making it bigger and better and timeless.

I will be alone when my days are finally over, but we are all alone then. In the time between then and now though I am loved and valued and that is priceless.

Happy 87th Bonnie. In some ways I wish you were aware and alert enough to see me, but you never saw me when you were healthy and if you were still healthy and independent, I would not be here now.