It’s been a week. The positive is that today is the end of the week, and yes I am ready for the week to end.

I pictured something different a year ago, and for the life of me I cannot recall the specifics of it. I’ve been so in tune with the current reality I lost a dream. That happens on occasion, but since I dream so rarely there is a touch of melancholy to the moment. I mean on paper I dream every night, you sort of have to yes? Me holding onto those dreams not as much, but there’s always room to grow and change, if one is willing.

Frustration.

Lafayette will be on hold for the moment. Not necessarily a bad thing, but still frustration. I haven’t opened up here lately with the feels because I am being watched and every word can be twisted into an out of context attack. Frustration. I am still moving in relation to him and I dislike that. While he can no longer demand from me, there is still a tentacle of power there and I am frustrated that it cannot yet be severed. I tell myself that I can sever it, yet I don’t see the path to that in this moment. February and May showed me what happens when I try at 5’3″ to be the bigger person, and that shifts me from a tentacle to being smothered. I like breath play as much as the next kinky gal, but with consent. A year ago, I was hopeful. I was broke, but hopeful. I’d done the impossible, and while it was costly I did it. I was a week away from the paperwork and ready to close the door. Still heartbroken? Of course, yet broken hearts mend and life moves on. Confused? Absolutely. The person I was just getting a glimpse of then did not resemble at all the person I fell in love with. I didn’t know this person, and I wanted to see the one I’d met at Cavanaugh’s all those years ago, I like that one, this one…..no. Optimistic? Yes. I thought well even though they’d shattered trust, this was a moment, this was when they could keep their word. It was not too late I thought, they would be who they said they were and do right by me. That was romantic me, still believing in fairy tales and ignoring words like extortion. 20/20 and all that I should have looked at that one misused word and been prepared. I wasn’t though and today is the result of it. I know what it is like to convince yourself of something that is not true, I suppose I thought that was just my own special super power. Turns out it is common, common as …..nope won’t go there. I’d given all but $13 to the idea of rent. I would not pull the trigger for 2 more days, again…hopeful. I was projecting MY values and how I would move, instead of what was displayed right in front of me. That is always a mistake, to hold others to my standards, but I made it a year ago and I am sure I will make it again.

Anger.

For a calendar year now I’ve been running around a month behind. Nothing catastrophic but that reminder will pop up at least once a month and on addition to making me sad, I can admit it makes me angry. When I met up with the new therapist she wanted to begin there. I told her sure but it was the thing I was most accepting of and impacted me the least. Anger is an emotion and emotions are normal. How one manages them is the issue and considering everything that has happened? I’ve managed well. I’ve had a couple of petty name calling moments. I’ve had more than one day or night where I had to cry it out. I never went Jasmine Sullivan – bonus! I had days where they lived rent free in my head, and then I evicted them. I never well full out with the anger, and that is a positive. Sure a part of it was the circumstances, I could bathe in anger or I could fight to exist both could not share the same space. I chose to exist and then live. In the past year I’ve had to have some put it on the carpet conversations with myself. What was I angry about? At times I would be full Nicole and flagellate myself for it all. Of course it was all MY fault!!! It wasn’t though, not 100%. So then I would double up on the self infliction and make sure whatever percentage was not my fault, I shifted the weight of that blame to be sure I felt it 100%. I was angry that despite the prior two whole years, I was in this position. That was not all me though. I could take responsibility for not planning better. I could take responsibility for not waiting longer. I could take responsibility for exposing myself in the manner I did and not doing more to protect myself. All of that was proper and for me to navigate, learn and incorporate. That was enough for me to carry. I was not obligated to add the weight of their choices to my burden. I was also not owed a reason or explanation. That also inspires a level of anger but that is on me to handle, not on another to deliver. I was angry that I’d done all of the things, and the reward for that was being in the space I was a year ago. While I rarely can say I see the world through the eyes of a White man, I did last year. I did everything I was ‘supposed’ to do, and there was no reward for that. Just like so many Bernie ‘Bros’ had done all they were told to do, only to find out our Nation is flawed by Capitalism. I never allowed the anger to consume me, nor did I ever allow it to drive my behavior. Positive. Others might see it differently, but that is on them…not me.

Anxiety.

One of my longest relationships, and one of the most troublesome. I expected things to be over shortly then, and what I would no next was anxiety inducing. Anxiety is like my melanin, always there. In a sense it is not a bad thing, because I am usually anxious it insulates me from some things. It can be exhausting though.

A year later, it’s the first of the month again and rent is due again.

I am not in the same situation though, hoping and depending on the word of someone who’d demonstrated their word meant nothing in relation to me.

Over time I would have to deal with my own shit, but it soon became very simple to delineate what was mine and what was theirs.

A year ago, I would not have predicted we’d still be in fucking court. A fucking year later. A year from now, I am sure I won’t expect what it actually looks like. While I’ve gotten pretty good at divining behavior, the variables make clairvoyance impossible.

I’ve stopped asking emotional questions, and I’ve begun to ask the practical ones.

I’ve stopped falling for the click bait. Positive. After the delivery of the motion it’s unlikely the name calling will return and in reality that’s what I wanted. They can go back to being a non motherfucking factor, to me at least. Others might still be compelled by them, in 9 days I am not. Very fucking positive. The Internet really is forever, and in 14 years there hasn’t been this level of share. That’s cool though, because while I am sure to repeat the mistake of projecting my values onto others, this is not one of those moments. It is a design to inspire envy without the fundamental understanding of me as a person. I could list the people in my history who made that same tactical error, but like you, they are no longer a concern for me and that will do more damage than I ever could.

One year ago, I was on the cusp of who I am today. How it played out sure I would have preferred smoother but then I would have missed out on some lessons and skill building so I will live with it.

I am thinking about that tentacle though. I can hear the voice of the little one, and then I am reminded of the outcomes. I can…and will give space though for their being a difference in defending myself, or standing my ground, or initiating and being the aggressor. I’ve asked myself this past year, am I the aggressor? They’ve shared they think I am, yet the facts don’t align with that pattern of thought.

I think about ‘walking away clean’, how it was weaponized, and how it was intended. I could almost buy into that revisionist history, but again the facts don’t match. I accepted the decision to end. Period. What was asked of me to accept was my instability, my fragility as a result of that end. That was an unreasonable request and like many unreasonable requests it was denied.

I can point out so many flaws, but it’s not needed in this moment. This IS a moment to internalize, where the others were not so much. My flaws matter here, and are my responsibility to correct. Yes, I do have them. They are not however the ones posted on the Internet.

Overall? I am upgraded by the past year. A year from now that upgrade will look even better, because of the work I am doing today.

The next steps are not for the faint of heart, but that was never me.

You don’t pack up your life and drive across the country if you are faint of heart. Yes someone else did that also, the difference? When the person I moved to connect with suddenly decided to change the parameters of the relationship we agreed to, I didn’t castrate myself and accept it. I actually did what others claimed to be capable of doing.

,,,and that was before this past year. What have I learned since then?