I have an astrology app on my phone. I can’t say that I am big on astrology but this particular app seems to like to drag me for filth 5-6 days a week. Today’s entry:

Ask yourself why you are so afraid of being vulnerable.

I look at those words and ask are you fucking kidding me?

When has being vulnerable ever been beneficial to me? The reality is that it has, being vulnerable has me here in this moment. Who knew the fat nerdy girl from Limekiln who quit high school would be in Nor Cal? There really is a long list of experiences where being vulnerable cost me. That cost is also why I am here in this moment.

Two sides – same coin – what to do?

The answer to that question is try again.

I can recall every ‘failure’ when it came to being vulnerable, and I can choose to bathe in it, inhale it, and allow it to make my decisions.

I can take the lessons from those experiences and dust it off and try again.

In the last year I vocalized that I won’t allow this experience to change me. In quite a few ways I haven’t but in a very specific way I can admit that I have.

What’s always been true about me is that I am a girl looking for love. I’ve experienced it, I have it, and along the way I learned to also love myself. That in and of itself is no small feat, as decades of outside conditioning say I should not. Society, parents, lovers, friends, employers, all collectively over time essentially said you are not loveable Nicole.

It’s easy to just say okay to that and move along that way. It’s more challenging to reject that and find a way to do that which alllll those people say cannot be done.

Most of the days I am successful when I not, whew.

I remember hearing a shrill voice in the background accusing me of making fun of depression and anxiety. I don’t make fun of them, because they are my daily companions. I do call bullshit when I see it, but make fun of it, no.

I don’t know life without them, anxiety in particular. Anxiety has been present since pampers.

Anxiety about moving forward and looking at life, yes it is here. There is a lot on the line, so much can go sideways for me, and my margins for error are terrible small. That can create even more anxiety knowing what I can lose, up to and including myself.

Why do I fear vulnerability? Being vulnerable increases my risk and my exposure and I always feel exposed and at risk.

I made a choice in my last relationship to ignore all those nagging fears and go all in. We actually called it that, all in. It was great until it wasn’t and when they got up from the table they had all of my chips and I was left with nothing. It’s not the first time I’ve been left with nothing and I’ve rebuilt before just like I am building now. This felt especially ugly because of how vulnerable I allowed myself to be. It felt like a mistake a year ago with $13 in the bank and the 8th on the horizon.

I’ve asked myself would I be ‘better’ off had I just taken that paper and walked out of the office. I would not have to experience the assault, the degradation, and the last year of round trips to Fairfield. I even asked myself if it’s been ‘worth’ it. It began with vulnerability, and it has almost ended with me still being vulnerable. I have to finish a rejoinder, and who knew I would be good at this? The first one took days and hours, this one just hours. Hours because its me and there are always typos. Hours because I overthink every fucking thing.

The argument is sound, but vulnerable. Who sits on the bench will make the difference, and I know who I want, I just have to wait a week to see if the Universe will provide it. The upcoming experiences don’t make me less vulnerable, some could argue it makes me more so.

Saturday evening happened though, and I made a choice. Why I made that choice was based on multiple factors lots of which were outside of me, but the choice was made. We move forward.

Why am I afraid of being vulnerable? Because I’ve given a lot in these 50 years and I wish for less exposure at this point in time.

Yet, I also wanted to make a choice and that choice was made to live vs survive and that means being vulnerable. I fear it, but I will do it anyway.

That is who I am today. I don’t let the fear stop the progress. That is victory, and I wear it well.