There is a version of me which always doubts that, always. There are many reasons why but that version of me exists, regardless….I Can Do This.

What? That might be the ask but the answer is yes.

Of course there are things I cannot do. Things I’ve never been trained for, have no interest in, biologically impeded. When I choose something I can normally do it, normally get it done. Sometimes I need help, often I get help. When accepting assistance that doesn’t alter my ability. In some ways it makes me even better smarter stronger because I have self awareness.

In my conversation the other night I said out loud the details of the conversation June 17. I said out loud that I was betting on myself and I was. I can admit that I was partially numb, it was one of the first moments when I saw the real version of the person I moved here to be with. I did not like it. Despite all of the things in the weeks and days prior which showed me “no exit”, I can admit a part of me was waiting to see or hear something which would give me permission to forgive and settle back into the role, the place of comfort. The Universe made sure to eliminate all those possibilities though, and for that I am grateful. Beyond grateful.

I can do this.

I was sitting on the sofa, in my favorite little black summer dress, barefoot. He was standing across the room distant. He’d gone out to the storage to get the items I’d put out there. I was weary of seeing them in my living room, taking up space. With him not directly in front of me I allowed a few tears to escape. There would be more when he left, those were angry tears, the ones as I sat silent on the sofa were sad. When he prepared to leave I said out loud what I’d said before in message:

May 13. Two months rent is what I asked for. Seven days after my world collapsed.

Even in that message I was betting on ME. I can do this.

I hadn’t even had the interview yet for the current gig, but I was betting on me, even then.

It was too early to even have a plan. I can admit I did not have one. I was that gansta to say fuck it and you. I was that gracious to say forget the next 8 months of your legal obligation. I didn’t even say can’t we give it a try. I said give me two months and I will figure the rest out. $3,920.00.

I was 3000 miles from friends and familiarity and support. I did not have a job. I did not have a car. I’d exhausted my savings to get here. Unemployment was either not awarded or I was down to the weekly payments. Those weekly payments if I recall totally around $130o a month, rent was $1960 and that was just rent. Food, electric, cable, cell phone, water, trash- non of that was factored in, just rent.

Like the song said though I was betting on me. I can do this.

I did. I am.

The odds were not in my favor, but I have beaten the odds more times than I wish to recount here. That version of me also exists and is always here. I got this.

Tomorrow when I wake my first book royalty deposit should be in my bank account. One of 3 bank accounts and all 3 have both a checking and savings. 5 years ago I could not even open a bank account that’s how fucked up things were. The amounts in the accounts are modest, but that will change. I can do this.

This weekend is the Inaugural Nicole’s Margaritaville. What is that you might ask? I will tell you about it later. My vizion for it in 5 years though is ambitious, but….I can do this.

I should be testing by the end of next month, certification completed. I can do this.

I did a shipment of books to NJ and MD is up next. I can do this.

Two more paintings are ordered, I am a fucking art collector. I can do this.

The proposal for the event in March is almost done and will be sent off by Sunday, I can do this.

The only gift he said he wanted for his birthday tomorrow was for me to sit on his face, yeah that I can definitely do. I still got him a pipe though.

When you close your eyes tonight Nicole remember you DID this and you are still doing it. You are a rockstar woman, no one can take that away from you. The only way that changes is if YOU change and concede. Change? You can do that, you’ve done it. Concede? Why on earth would you?