I had a speaking engagement yesterday. They are coming more frequently and for that I am thankful. One step closer to goal right? In the Q&A portion it was asked what it is like to live out loud.

I explained that first, I am not one of those viral YouTubers that pays the rent via engagement. While my life is here in living color so to speak, I don’t live with millions and millions hanging onto my every post. Could that be my reality at some point? Yes. Even so, I don’t think HOW I react will change much.

I went back into the origins of Vizionz. The relationship I was in at the time didn’t allow me my usual outlet. I’d left FetLife afraid of making a misstep and suffering the loss of him. What would become clear at some point many many years later, was that NOTHING I could do would salvage that relationship. Back then though, I left Fetlife and found myself without the outlet I needed. I need to write. I don’t function well when I do not.

I shared how it began on blogspot, and how it was the notice that Yahoo360 was shutting down which prompted the move to hosting. What I was writing needed to be saved. I needed to be able to revisit, and learn from that which I was experiencing and learning. The only wat to control that was to move to hosting. Now I never knew the incident would happen, or how many times I would put this history at risk, but then I just wanted control over my words.

I shared how it evolved not once, not twice but four times to become the version that you see now. I shared WHY I don’t delete or edit most older posts. That is problematic in a sense, but I will take problematic over inauthentic.

Over the years the visitor counts have gone up and down, what’s been consistent though is me, and who I am on these pages.

It’s not so much I am all eyez on me, rather it is this is where I can reach back and see where I was and where I am going. The good and the bad and the in between are all here.

I shared how most of the time what appears here gets read and unnoticed. I shared about how my first online stalker popped up here and tried to use my words against me. I explained how back then it was a shield. After all you can’t be blackmailed with that which you are not hiding.

I shared how the blog contributed to the incident. There were tears then, yes I can still cry. I have to own some of the blame even if 99% of it falls on Andrea. At some point in the future I will stop beating myself up for Andrea, that day is not today though.

I explained how as I built my reputation in the lifestyle how others would arrive here waiting to find something to be happy about in my life, and I don’t mean for good. Niggas was [and at times still are] tuning in to hear the bad so they can feel better about themselves.

I explained the unique moment in time I am in currently. While I still have the freedom this space gives me, I have to balance that with the knowledge that just because it is quiet across town that doesn’t mean the attacks are over. That I have to tight rope here, and THAT is not something I am used to doing. Then comes the WHY – again.

Because, not only do I need this outlet I am in the right here.

Sure I could allow the past year to change me, to alter me, to create a different version of me but that gives power to the random man from Philly. Thank you Morgan and TikTok for that one.

If I am who I think I am, then no one gets that power without my consent any longer.

What’s it like to live on Front St as I used to call it? It is just like you see it.

One of the follow ups was did I have concerns about how it will impact my future? The swift and sure response was no.

In a sense it can be said that my vulnerability and transparency here might give people pause. Someone can go back and find out where I wrote about Mimi’s dry vagina and say I am a hypocrite or that I was sex shaming. Someone else can go back and see my post about pants on the ground and denounce my respectability politics of the moment. Key word there is moment.

What I felt 13 years ago is different than the woman I am today and the only evidence of that rests in these posts. That isn’t the same as my personal journals, of which yes I have them, or a site like Penzu. That is worth retaining, and it is worth the additional contributions.

Why do I put it all out here? Because it’s a part of how I learn but it is ALSO a part of how people learn me. My humanity, my transparency are strengths not weakness. Sure others belittle it yet it remains.