Yes

Yes I have.

I was talking to a friend earlier today mentioning the boots. What boots you might ask?

These:

I know right.

When I saw them, I first saw them in a different color. Pink.

I’ve you’ve ever met me, you see these boots and immediately know I was supposed to to own these boots. When I first saw them, they didn’t have them in my size. I pouted. I ordered the silver pair in a size I thought I could fit, I could not. A part of the issue is the extra weight I am carrying. That is a temporary thing though and already addressing it. Don’t get it twisted, I am still a fat chick, and I will land on the larger side of things. I have to for a variety of reasons. 51 is waving at me and waiting for 50 to pass that baton. I also have to present myself a certain way to expand my client base. Yes people loved fat Oprah, but I don’t have Oprah’s platform at the moment so adjust to expand.

When I went back to the website the larger sized boots were not available. I held out for a moment, but I eventually returned them. No use in having something I can’t fit here, when there are other options. Yes I can accumulate things now, almost without guilt! That doesn’t mean I hold onto that which does not serve me. I got a store credit, ordered a couple other things, including another set of super cute shoes. Those did not fit either. Fat fucking feet.

A couple weeks ago I was on the website again and BOOM! the silver boots were in my size. Order I did. They look good on me too. Today on a whim, I was on the website and the pink were there, in my size. Got those too.

My conversation with my friend was about the boots. He is tickled when I talk about my love of impractical shoes. In that conversation I had a moment. I was about to make a joke…because that I what I do. I wanted to joke that while today was a good day, when my credit card statement arrives I might not feel the same. That is when it hit me, I have a credit card. I actually have more than one at the moment.

Life with Bonnie didn’t set me up with a terrific FICO score. It also didn’t set me up in my early working days with the price of not having a great FICO score. I worked through that, and before 2007 and giving up my life for Bonnie and Clyde I’d turned that around. 2007-2014 erased that good work. While I don’t regret it, I can speak on how after the incident it was truly starting over. I had to do a lot to keep that house afloat. It got so bad I couldn’t even have a bank account for 3 years after the incident.

I got a savings account when I worked at Greyhound. Things were still rough though. They would not give me a checking account and would not give me a Visa/MC debit for the savings account. I was walking around using cash and loading money onto an American Express SERVE pre paid card. My time in Pottstown put me back on track. I had to admit that not having to run a whole house solo helped. I thought that all my progress would stop when I moved to Maryland. I paid way too much money for that boarding house room, and I worked a lot of overtime to make things different. I have to admit that I also had help. The random man from Philly chipped in from time to time. He did things like but this laptop I am writing this post on, money that I didn’t have to spend and could use to focus on getting my business in order. I had plans.

I opened a checking account for the first time since 2013 in 2021. Like a lot of things that I had to do over and start over, I had concerns. Would I make the same mistakes, would I end up in the same place? Yes I worried about that, and even though many other things going right, those old time thoughts can creep back in, yes even for me. That’s how I relate to my clients, been there done that. Yes Virginia, people are willing to take suggestion and direction from someone like me because I am proof that things can be overcome.

Speaking of overcoming, despite how things have gone down, I am still here. Still in the apartment that was not supposed to be supported by just me. Still working, still grinding, still moving forward. Yes I’ve come a long way, and I have a long way yet ahead of me. I don’t fear the work. I am building something special and magical here.

Like the song says, like a Porsche with no brakes. It’s funny, ha ha ha, that song when you take a moment to listen is about imposter syndrome and self doubt. It’s about not letting the world see the struggle and putting on the game face. Sure I have those moments, but this space right here? This is where I keep it 100 and this is how I remain humble. As long as the humility remains, I can continue to accomplish what others thought was beyond I can also come back here and realize I once thought the same, until I did it and proved to myself I am more than others tried to diminish. I won’t be perfect along the way, but I will be fashionable while doing it.