Trusting the re-route form the woman who using to have to read maps and downloads routes from MapQuest. Like seriously, I am recalling one night in the sticks of New Jersey with a friend, we missed an exit. I suggested she get off at the next exit, and then come BACK to the exit we should have gotten off at and we could follow the rest of the directions backwards. She refused to do that and we drove for an extra 30 minutes and ended up doing the thing I told her to do in the beginning. Folx should listen to me more.

I am on the re-route path and trusting it does not happen simply for me, because I’ve made it like that. Since I made it like that I can make it another way also. I got this.

The Bonnie had an idea for my life. I didn’t do that idea. I had an idea for my life as well. That idea and the others which came after didn’t happen. I have an idea for my future, and it will happen. It is happening. I am on the re-route and I am exhibiting trust in the process.

Train the mind. Train the body. Trust the process.

I’ve told myself that it is not simple, but it is MUCH simpler than I’ve made it. The re-route has me on a Monday off, the end of October with the windows open, sun shining, in motherfucking California. I have a work out on deck and for the meal later premium beef on deck. I am looking at this little apartment that could and marveling at the progress. I am also mentally looking at the bathroom and remembering I have to find time to take the bath mats to the laundry mat today, but it’s clean and mine and looking more and more like the images I’ve had for what ‘home’ looks like.

It is still the re-route though because my arrival and life here was ‘supposed’ to be different. The quotes are to remind myself that my route was not the one that the Universe made available to me.

I got to talk to an ‘old’ friend yesterday. We were discussing the passing of one of our elders. I thought I was “ok” with his passing. After all he was of advanced age and declining health, but I am not ok. The info drop of his transition reminded me that I have an expiration date. I don’t know when it is, and since I do not, I have to trust this re-route. I have to trust in this to maximize this back half of the life.

I didn’t waste the front half, but I can admit it was not as epic as it could have been. I did stuff. GOOD stuff, yet it was mostly for others. This part is for me. I won’t lie and say that date upcoming on the calendar is not big as fuck and intimidating as fuck. I will claim here and now that it will not paralyse me as it has in former years.

I am low key excited about the next couple of months, there are things in the Q which are WHEW. Will they all pan out? Maybe but if even HALF of them do, yeah…this is where I was supposed to be and where I was meant to be.

In 2019 I had epic birthday weekend. In 2023 it was epic in a different way. I was surround by love and friendship and desire. I was safe and content. I slept better than I have in a while, yes insomnia is really a thing, but I am operating past it.

There are 2-3 things I would change, but their absence is not preventing fowrad movement. After the workout I think will finish the book. I miss generating new content and it is almost time to announce the next thing. Moments. Experiences.

It’s good to be me. What’s even better is recognizing that its always been good to be me I’ve just been in my own way.