Winter here means that it rains. Not enough because the state catches fire every summer but it still rains. I will take a little rain vs the snow. It rained A LOT last winter, this year not so much but it is still early in the season.

I chatted with an old friend and made an admission. I think I am going to share it here has well but let’s chat for a moment.

November’s Da Smoke I spoke on some of the complicated history I have with Thanksgiving:

If I listed all of the things over all of the years it would cross your eyes so I won’t. A few years back I added to this time of year someone else’s loss. November 17th is a birthday, and I carried that loss with the person to whom that date matters. I deleted it from my calendar this year. My time of carrying the weight of others without contract are over.

That didn’t unpack any of MY baggage, it just lightened my load.

For multiple years I rejected any attempt to interfere in my self flagellation on that day and fellowship with others. No food and friendship for me damnit!

This year? I am hosting. Fuck.

It is a good fuck, but still fuck.

I’m shaking my head at what I deprived myself of prior. I am proud the house is guest ready. I still have to get the carpet cleaned….pause….no really the actual carpet. It’s not unpresentable, but I haven’t done it yet this year. I am still debating buying a small cleaner myself, I only have the bedroom carpet and the area rug though. I keep telling myself it isn’t an economical buy, but I think the bigger truth is, that I would not want to keep it in the outside storage and I have no inside place to store it. Yes I am running out of space here. Wow.

The girl who refused to accumulate is running out of space. Wow.

There will be 6 total including me but its happening.

If things had gone differently I might be sitting here on Thursday frustrated that the story told to me wasn’t reality and questioning the move. It is clear now this would have been my second Thanksgiving alone. I was spared that though, and the nonsense which comes with it. I didn’t have to spend last year asking why I was not getting the time, and finding a way to excuse the behavior. Trust me I would have found a way. It would have been easily a dozen of such Thanksgivings before I thought about making a change. Sounds silly as I type it out, yet I go all in and it takes a fucking LOT to have me pull the plug. I would have listened, excused the behavior then beat myself up for how it made me feel then swallowed that because it would impact their ‘happiness’. No longer my reality.

This year I am hosting, those who actually love me and one who wants me. Unsure exactly how its gotten to lets make introductions but I will roll with it. It feels right, so until it doesn’t let’s just enjoy it.

What is extra cool, is the alternative menu. What is even cooler than that is I have the ability to make it happen.

I won’t lie, I think about the other side of town from time to time. As long as I am here that will be a thing which is a part of why plan 2025. My plan 2025 is a better one than the one you may have hear of though. I can almost see inside the windows and tell you what’s happening. It’s sad for many reasons, yet it’s also not something I need to worry about.

The words of FUPM come to mind, and yeah…no I don’t want that ‘support’. I deserve better, I have better and what matters even more than what I have is what I need. Nothing. Even if I weren’t making introductions I’d still be good. Single is not a bad thing, unless you are so ineffective that it is required. I said it on Georgia street before even the move….I am not defined and my worth is not determined. I know that is a problem for others, yet it remains still.

Now back to wrapping Xmas gifts, Amazon just dropped a few more on the doorstep.