Editor’s Note – I don’t keep many drafts these days. I say what needs to be said and keep it pushing. This one got dusted off though when it became clear that instead of moving on with life folx just have me living rent free in their heads. I hate it for you.

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Jim Morrison told me people were strange. I mean I kinda knew it but when you watch human beings human well it is more than a song from a dead man.

I am the villain in someone’s story. I don’t think I earned that but they do so let’s rock with that for a moment.

What was it about my behavior which created that thought? If you ask one of them its because I chose to have sex with and have a relationship with someone who was already in a relationship. I suppose you would be right except – alternative lifestyles. I’ve never hidden the fact that I am Queer and non monogamous and kinky. I am sure that is off to those who are not true to the life, yet it remains none the less. When you fake being kinky or non monogamous the appearance of someone who is authentic impacts your charade. It becomes important to you to discredit the other less the one you’ve been faking it with see through your clear ass and make other choices.

I walked into a relationship knowing there was another partner there already, first, because that is not unusual. The other person who joined the relationship with me is also non monogamous and kinky. In an ideal situation, they would also be truthful and ethical so the 3rd person is not caught unaware, but I’ve learned through the years I cannot control the behavior of others.

I did that which was asked of me and more in that relationship. No I was not perfect but I stayed in my lane and played the role requested of me. I did ignore some signs but we will get to that in a moment.

Since a certain person knew I existed they felt threatened by my presence. Why? Well you would need to ask them and then assume they were telling the truth to you…and themselves. I don’t think there is ever a reason to feel threatened by another woman, but that is what makes me who I am. I exist without the validation some others need. I have my flaws, but understanding that a significant other doesn’t define is not one of them. While I’ve been in relationships before…. and might again….I’ve never allowed being single to stress me. There are worse things than being single…we are going to get to that in a moment as well….and I am just fine in the company of me, myself and I. When we all lived in Philly she had an issue with me. When I was the only one still living in Philly she had an issue with me. When I moved to Vallejo she had an issue with me. One might think since court is finally over the issues would be over, yet the performative Tweets say otherwise. I can’t make you see the reality, but I can tell the truth.

This right here was where a Nicole who was not in love would have bounced. I was in love though. Love aside, I was never going to fit fully into this world view. It is not who I am, and won’t ever be. You on the other hand DO buy into this so I can see why one might feel fortunate to have such a man of ‘value’. Let’s take a look at how that is defined though.

Using his guru Kevin Samuels, men need six things to be considered of high value.

1. Money. Seems like a no brainer but Kevin goes further and assigns a price to that. Six+ figures a year. Six figures are cool, and it’s better to have money than not most days, but if all you are bringing to the table is money, that makes you a trick.
2. Stability. Not only do you have to make six figures, you have to do it for a sustained period of time. He says the starting line for that is 3-5 years.
3. Acceptance of peers. So assuming this is a high value man, then he should have a peer group of other high value men. They should all be high valuing through the Bay Area. I’ve seen the friend group. While they might be cool peeps, they are not all making six figures.
4. A network, preferably a large one, of high value peers. Again I’ve seen the friend group. Now there might be a slew of ‘relatives’ he can call on where there is a question, but network? That is a stretch.
5. Visibility. One can’t be high value and just be Joe Smith computer guy at computer company. You have to be recognized outside of you immediate friends and family as not just having money but also having a network and being able to make things happen.
6. Utility. You have to be useful, not just to your household but to the community which surrounds you.

The person in the video wants to be a high value man, but he doesn’t meet all the criteria. Even if he did? My reaction to hearing that my worth and value was defined by IF he wanted me…well no. He continues:

The reality was and the reality is that no I will never submit to the concept that I am only worth something if some man wants me. Let’s be very clear here – he did want me. I could speculate he still does but since I won’t ever take the steps needed to prove that it is a moot point. His desire of me was not what defined me. If it were? Then I would have fallen apart after May 2022. I did not. I’ve made more progress in the absence of his presence and his money that I did with him. THAT is the woman I am. So just maybe it wasn’t all about him, this irrational antipathy, maybe it is the fact that I can walk away and still be magnificent. I don’t think that is true for you. I hate that for you if that is the case.

What’s strange to me though is now that all of this is over, folx are still trying to rub it in. As if they won.

I mean…ok.

It’s not the flex you think it is.

I have a new zip code, a new car, a new job, a new lover, a new business. I no longer have the emotional labor of inflating the ego of a man with issues he hasn’t unpacked. You have that. You also have a man who if he did nothing else, and let’s keep it a buck we know he has done more, moved his other girlfriend across country, lied to you incessantly, and was the trigger for you to threaten the other girlfriend and end up in court for a year defending your behavior. That doesn’t sound like a win to me.

If you listen to the video I remind him, I can go home. I meant that in that moment too. I was always willing to step away from that which did not serve me. I stayed and made the move because I was committed, yet leaving was always an option. It’s why when he called it off, I never tried to reconcile. Was I hurt? Sure. I loved him, and losing someone you love hurts. I love myself more though that to try to keep someone who doesn’t want to be kept. I also love myself more than to go through 18 years of repetitive behaviors of harm to me from someone who claims to love me. The last person who had that luxury was Bonnie, and she is my mother. That person in the video is a man, and like I said they aren’t scarce, at least not for a woman like me. I know – I know I’m supposed to be depressed and sad about being single. I will get right on that. First though I have to get the tickets the NBA coach and former player 10 years my junior left for me because he wants me around even when he is working. Right after that though I will be sad. <sarcasm>

I may joke about how hard it is to date in the Bay, but I am still me. They don’t all have warts.

There is a narrative men like that want to be believed, that women like me are alone and lonely with cats. Yes I am pet sitting, but no I don’t have a cat. I am alone but I am not lonely. I have multiple people places and things to occupy my time and when I want none of them I have the freedom to say no and as Depeche Mode says enjoy the silence. Yes I wanted him once upon a time but I don’t any longer. Not in this universe or any variant of mine in another.

You’ve been Tweeting since 2009, until 2022 there were maybe 15 references to him. Since court began and ended? Over 50% of those tweets are about how happy and in love you are. You don’t have to prove it to me. I don’t care. If you’re trying to prove it to yourself then it’s even more proof that what you have is not as valuable as they want folx to believe. If you’re trying to prove it to him? You are doing it wrong. Go suck his dick or give him some anal.

I’m good over here I want y’all to be good over there. Stop showing me that I live rent free in your head. You should be using that brain power to wonder why all of a sudden you have a new cat and what it is meant to distract you from. I mean, lots of things happen in that home office I am proof of that. & unless you’ve changed how you interact with him…..history will only repeat itself. Those videos are from 2021, not 2022 when I arrived to live here. Those videos were filmed in our mutual town, on Georgia St. It wasn’t some one sided delusion, it was part of a bigger plan. That plan is over, but the role I filled won’t remain vacant forever, It just won’t ever be held by me again.