Usually there is a video here and one might still appear but these are words I needed to express.
I have 3 more make it make sense videos to edit. Tonight though before the movie, I am writing this one out.
I wrote this in 2017:
For one of the earlier entries this one is pretty good. It’s also mostly still the truth. There are a couple of MINOR tweaks to the theory but at the core it remains. I don’t ever walk into a situation wanting to be the ‘other’ woman, I am not going to let go of my interest in your man just because you exist though. While its been quite a while since I was ‘looking’ for something, when I was there were many different options. The random man would tell you I was on the market. We shit he DID allude to that in one of the videos I posted. He’s still mostly wrong but he won’t ever be convinced of that no matter what the proof shows. Once upon a time I wanted him, that didn’t make me on the market. I still chuckle at my ‘I can go home line’ but I am trying to stay on brand at the moment.
What doesn’t make sense to me tonight is why I am still a ‘whore’. I mean in ways I do understand, it is the general concept of being angry with the other woman I won’t understand even if I live another 500 years.
When Kahlil and I got back together the 2nd time his other woman called me. I listened to her. She had an idea that telling me all the details of their sex would…make me leave him I guess? At the the end of the day his current wife is not named Nicole or Dorothea so I guess we are both losers? When she got it all off her chest I told her that didn’t have anything to do with me. She was a little stunned. I guess I was supposed to scream, or cry, or threaten to show up at her front door and deal with her.
Why da fuck would I do that? I didn’t know she existed before she called me, and I didn’t have any commitment or attachment to her. She was fucking the same person I was. Ok. She claimed to have a relationship with him. Ok. I never found out if she did or did not, but even if she did…so what? We were not monogamous why would him being with someone else make me angry at that someone else? That’s a part of where I scratch my head every time Karen goes off on one of her whore rants. The person has never been shy about their refusal to be monogamous. I suppose it is possible along the way they lied and said sure we are monogamous, but even then…..the other woman was not a part of that conversation so why are you angry with HER?
Because she knew you existed? So did your ‘partner’.
I suppose it is my flaw, thinking that others will walk through life as I do.
I don’t get it though.
I mean I guess if you thought I was trying to break you up then sure..possibly yet that was never on the table. You were sent some of the receipts, who knows if you ever read them. I guess it is simpler to just come here and read everything after I was threatened and use that to fuel the misplaced anger. The truth is there though, in real time and unedited. When you were sick I’d ask how you were feeling and encourage him to take care of you. When you were throwing a tantrum and threatening to pack you bags and leave I told him to go talk to you. I told him not to let you go. When he shared something that made him happy about you I cheered. Even when you called him nigger I didn’t encourage separation. I didn’t ever try to replace you. So why you mad at me?
I was over here. You were over there. I never made my presence an affliction to you. The first time I reached out was after YOUR threat to me. Shit even after that I made an offer to sit with you and give you some pointers. I am sure you don’t think you need them, but the offer was made. I mean…he wanted me thisclose for a reason. Yet I am a ‘whore’.
I am a ‘whore’ because I was with someone I’d shared a friendship for over a decade, who’d been my lover for years and I fell in love. That’s not whore behavior,
I talked about you here though!
What prompted that? What created that REaction besides YOUR action? I mean in 10 years prior I never said anything to or about you so what changed?
Yet months later, me over – you over there, I am still a ‘whore’. Why?
Make it make sense because for the oxygen I breathe I don’t get it.
I also didn’t get your need to insert yourself into our separation, yet THAT I can make sense of, this need to still cheap shot me not so much. go live your life I’m a non motherfucking factor