an idea or thought that continually preoccupies or intrudes on a person’s mind.
plural noun: obsessions
I have conversations with those who matter to me, and I matter to them. Those conversations run from the mundane, to life altering, to spiritual you name it. This was one of the topics this week and being transparent I put some grey matter to it.
I know the story of a woman, one who’s details I cannot share but I can share the sentiment.
She gave up her youth to support the man she loved. She worked hard to help him through school and reach his goals. Eventually he reached a level of success and for a little while they shared said success. They started out not quite poor, but there weren’t lots of frills. Sacrifices were made to keep the house afloat, in her opinion mostly by her. Not to negate her hard work but in every story there are two perceptions. I am sure that he would share his sacrifices and tell you that they were mostly by him. The reality is events happen and we tell ourselves the things we need to so we can be either the hero or the victim.
They were together for 18 years.
They didn’t have children by choice, but the absence of children doesn’t make separation simpler. When you’ve shared a household, like they did, for half their relationship, separation is not simple. Staying together for 18 years is not simple. That is a long time for many things to occur.
Day in and day out she worked hard to keep the lights on while he worked hard to get 2 advanced degrees. In addition to those two degrees he worked very hard fucking other women. She cried many tears over the years and it impacted her view of herself. He’d tell her that he just needed something else. She was always too tired to be affectionate. At times she was working 3 jobs, yes on occasion she was tired. Those words can hurt a woman who put all of herself into creating foundation for the life he said they would live eventually. She lost herself in that idea, and it defined her.
She fell in love, and imagined happily ever after. She committed to the relationship as if they’d stood in front of a judge yet they never did. She assumed they would eventually, and the one and only time she brought it up to him he told her that he would not be pressured into it and if it was a deal breaker he would leave. She let it go, hoping that once they got to a certain level he would reward the blood sweat and tears she’d committed day in and day out. She assumed that he would remember how she held him down.
He did. He just did not place the same value on it that she did. He valued his success and the spoils of that success. For about 3 years after his earnings hit the six figure mark they shared in those spoils. She was adamant they pay down their debts before branching out and showing off. Within a year they were 80% debt free. She asked if she could take some time off work. He said no. To do that would mean they could not expand because of the loss of her income. They did take a great vacation though, to Italy.
At the 3 year six figure mark she noticed his distance. She suggested therapy and he declined. There was nothing a therapist could tell him, he was just as smart as they were.
By year 5 his earnings were almost double what they were year 3 and then came the business trips, the sports car and all that one might see when the committed man is behaving single. I mean, we’ve seen this story before right?
Even though they lived in California when he decided to end their relationship she was entitled to nothing. She was forced to walk away without the benefit of their time together. She was devastated. She didn’t know what life was like or should look like without her relationship. She didn’t know how she would live. Yes she still worked, but she’d built the home that he was now putting her out of.
Some people walk out of a breakup shedding a few tears, others shed their sanity.
She shed both, and the aftermath..unpretty.
I thought about everything she did in the aftermath of the break up. He said she was obsessed. In a sense he was not wrong. 2 decades of her life erased in minutes. You don’t recover from that quickly.
I thought about Kahlil lying on the stand. Was I obsessed? I was, but not the way one might think. My obsession was in search of answers that I was never going to get.
I thought about the questions presented to me asking if I were obsessed now, I thought about FYPM which alleges I am obsessed.
The difference in 2008 and 2023 even though I am the common denominator, is motive. In 2008 I still wanted Kahlil. The motivation was desire. My only desire today is my own safety, my own peace.
The motivations of others I leave to them to tell. I hope they are honest to themselves. Obsession is not born from a mentally and emotionally healthy mind. That being the case one has to prepare for every possibility, even the ones that seem beyond them. That is a challenge and not everyone is up to said challenge.