Considering the ever present hostile eyes on this space I haven’t dusted this draft off. It felt like the right moment tonight and it’s altered some because things have happened since the first draft.

It was something that was important to get off my chest, and it still is. I don’t know how it will be received, I don’t know what the ripples will be yet I am doing it anyhow. It feels like the right thing in the moment and one that I won’t regret.

I think a part of it is the calendar, one of those days are approaching. Those days will always exist and because they always will I have to manage them. Breaking down every time the date reminds me of something that hurts is not an option. Since it is not an option we power trough.

Another part of it are the house guests arriving. I am looking forward to their arrival. I miss them, but sharing my space well that can be a lot on me. I look forward to showing them the town. I can be the ambassador that I never got, My town is lovely. This area is lovely.

I was asked in therapy – why. There are many reasons why but the big reason:

It is easy to think I just have a broken heart and want revenge. That is the easy response.

That is not what any of this is, was, will be, not for me at least.

Anger.

Yes anger was present. I have flashes of it still on occasion. Anger not at a person but a circumstance. Anger not at just the circumstance but the bigger picture, the reality that after it all there is no living in truth even though that is what I walked into this thinking it would remain. Anger at the impact it still has on me, even thought the positives outweigh them.

When I asked that fateful question, and when the yes was given, I planned for ‘forever’. I’ve gone into every relationship thinking forever, until forever did not play out. That is not the end of the world. I can live with a break up, it was the method and the manner and the after which started the proverbial snowball. I don’t know where that will end. I’ve asked them to stop and take down those posts but their response was essentially fuck you. I will have to decide if I will move forward with legal action. I am hesitant to move forward. Not that I am wrong, but because I don’t want to re-open that tether now that its been cut.

I was hurt to the core, My best friend. My lover. We’d been connected for over a decade. We spent every day with one another. We shared all with one another. In 7 minutes it was gone. Had that been it? The past year would have been a lot different. I’d have to manage my loss alone, but I know how to do that. I’ve lost a lot over the years. It was the slow evolution of malice and the disregard for my person. That is where it moved beyond repair.

Repair.

In reality there was never going to be such, yet in those first days I thought that perhaps, just perhaps well down the line we could share space without animosity. Not on purpose, but this is a small town after all, it might happen. A head nod as we crossed paths instead of one of us making the sign of the cross was where I wanted us to be eventually.

It wasn’t about the decision to end it. It was the timing of it. He knew my history I kept nothing from him. He knew every moment, every trigger, every thing I’d been through and moved past. He knew the ghosts that kept me up at night haunting me and what they were related to, what made them my walking nightmares. I wasn’t employed. I was waiting for VPD to advance me through the background process. I was looking for additional temp work in the meantime. My settlement wasn’t as large as I’d hoped – WE hoped – but it covered the move. Because I’d had the temp job in Benicia there wasn’t unemployment available to me any longer. I was going to have to figure out a way to pay the rent on the apartment, pay the utilities, buy food with essentially no money. I’d have 1 more paycheck from the temp gig. That was it, 5 days worth of wages.

We’d talked about money a lot that final six months before the move, but not so much when I arrived. He didn’t see the Lyft rates to get to the town next door, but I still have the screen shots. The cost to travel without a car even to the town next door was excessive. Most trips were $40 some were much more. I was making about $200 per day. Half of that went to just getting to the gig most days. Did he contribute? Yes, but it was always something he agreed to do. I didn’t ask for a lot when I did work. He did help with furniture. My most essential kitchen item the coffee maker was his gift. He did a lot in those first days to get this place up and running I can’t deny that. What I needed in May was the answer how was I going to survive.

Leaving me is one thing. Leaving the lease was something else. It felt like he wanted me to return to being homeless, and I could not allow that to happen. Not here, with no support, no structure, no knowledge of how to navigate the system. I HAD to stay here, there was no other option. Cancelling the lease when I had no savings left, no employment was an act of violence, one I had to defend myself against. I did.

I told the story of his behavior in the leasing office, and it did not fit what we all thought we knew about him. The video of it is out there online and it shows that I said. The cancelation of the lease, the physical aggression in the leasing office left me in fear. I did that which I had to do.

It devolved. I am sure some of it was the pressure he was under at home but I should not have to suffer for that. He made those choices, I was already suffering I was not going to add to it to make an uphill battle for me more steep.

Yes I loved him. A part of me always will, the same as a part of me still loves Kahlil. I love forever, even when that love isn’t an active relationship. My love doesn’t go away, the relationship might but not my love.

Why.

It was the after. The animosity, the name calling.

I had nothing. All I wanted to hear from him was that despite his going back on his word to me, that we were in our relationship for the long haul, he would give me the time needed to get back to work and then figure it out.

I even gave him an easy way – 2 months rent. It would have ended then, and none of this would have happened. None of it. He said to me that day in the parking lot had I not demanded he would have helped. How was I to believe that? He knew my situation, and not once before I asked for the exit fee did he mention it. Then the six weeks between his departure and the leasing office happened and was clear that he was unwilling to respect my move FOR him and impact my ability to live. Not even live well, but just live.

There are other triggers in there of course, but none which add up to his impacting my ability to live. It was uncalled for, when I did nothing to deserve it. I just fell in love that was my crime.

Why.

I was attacked.

The other question was about the other possible legal action. The one I hope I don’t have to file.

Instead of letting it be over, he did FYPM. Not just an premature victory lap, but an attack on my future. My business. My reputation.

Does he have the right to be angry? I am sure he would say yes. I don’t see it the same but that is not unusual.

My anger did not stop his life, impact his business. His anger was designed to do just that. Why.

It’s a why try to punish me for standing my ground but also a why the lawsuit might happen.

I’m not emotional because I want what he threw away. I’m defending what I’ve been able to build without him.