Hold up wait a minute…y’all thought I was finished…

Why.

Because therapists are assholes:

If he left her tomorrow would you take him back? NO.

I told her about No Exit, I even pulled it up for her to read it. I think she nodded, but I might have imagined that.

Everything in No Exit was fact, no cap as the kids might say. That won’t ever change. Kahlil taught me that lesson, when they say they want out don’t block the door. I told him as much very early on and I meant it. I still do. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to end a relationship which you no longer want to be in.

Do you hate him? No.

I won’t ever not be angry at his course of action but hate him? No. Hate requires an investment that I haven’t had for a while now.

You don’t want him back and you don’t hate him so why?

In the beginning it was all about self preservation. I was alone, unemployed, my foundation was ripped away, my relationship was ripped away. I was afraid. After the leasing office, and her phone call I realized just how alone I was. Anything could have happened, and I had only myself to rely on for protection. I am not in general a cop caller, but even if I were, Vallejo has no cops. The ones they do have like to shoot Black people.

He’d repeat that he would not do ____ or act like _____. How was I supposed to trust that? The prior 2 years he said he was in love with me and we’d have a future and take the apartment I got you until VPD hires you. Then he did exactly the opposite. I felt like I wanted to know why, but why is often the least important of the questions to ask. She got a Nicole stare right after, my petty is rate E for everybody. I began to process and let go of some of the anguish. When I did I’d made the decision to let it go. All of it – even the money. By that time it felt like they decided they were the victims and I was the villain. I tried with her first, but she refused to drop the request for legal fees. THAT felt like payback. I had no other option after those die were cast except to fight it all the way. I could not pay the fees, more importantly, I should not have been asked to pay them. In over a decade of my affiliation with him I’ve engaged her once at that point. No maybe twice…I don’t remember when I sent her the download from What’s App.

What’s App was when I thought she actually wanted to see who we were. I know now that she doesn’t have that desire. Other than What’s App I sent this:

It is clear to me that at this point you are calling the shots.  I do not like to speak to the help, so this conversation is for you.  Regardless of my prior relationship with Karl, he’s chosen to end it.  I won’t resist that.  I have no interest in being with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.  What I do have an interest in however is my personal and financial security.  You threatened my personal security Friday night.  I do not take that lightly.  I’ve given Karl a reasonable option to leave the lease.  The lease is a legally binding agreement that cannot be altered or released without the agreement of all who signed it.  I did not coerce him into signing it.  By signing it he agreed to be financially responsible for this unit along with me.  The lease ends January 31, 2023.  If I do not move, it then becomes a month to month lease.  The same rules apply that to end the month to month residency, all parties must sign to end the agreement.  As it stands today, the lowest amount he is financially committed to is $6,860.00.  If I choose not to move by February 1, that financial commitment remains.  I offered to allow him to buy out his portion of the lease for $4,000, and that can happen in the first week of July.  While I am sure you object to his continued financial obligations here, they remain nonetheless. I am not obligated to make him the offer, yet I did.  He has expressed resistance to the offer.  I think it would be the best and most expedient resolution.  I would like you to speak to him and convince him to accept it. You two get what you desire, his name removed from the lease by this offer. I also hope to get relief from your threats of physical violence against me. And instead of threatening me with physical violence, ask yourself why a man who no longer wants me won’t give up the house key which gives him access to me. 

They would eventually call that extortion. ha.

I could have left her out of it, like I had literally for years prior yet she inserted herself. On a scale of 1-10 of Nicole clapbacks that was a 1.

I could have been on the hook for a grand, when I didn’t have it, for something that I didn’t cause. No way. As the days passed that number got higher and higher and my only option was to keep fighting through to the end. When I beat their request for fees, I thought it could be over.

Then FYPM. Even though I managed to get it taken down, I had no way of knowing where else he might have posted it. I still don’t. As of December 9 he still references that document. I asked him to take it down months ago. How do I leave in the past what is impacting my present? While I am gaining traction in speaking and clients, 3 events have turned me down. Coincidence? Unlikely. My references and experience with the producers for 2 SHOULD have been a easy pitch. The third they shared explicitly that one of the factors in their decision making was social media. Coincidence? There is no such thing.

Some time after that session I hung up my credentials. I wanted to remind myself when self doubt appeared that I am qualified. I’ve hung 8, and another 3 still need framing.

Why?

Because even though I’ve moved on, the fixation on my losing still remains.

Can I ignore it? Not and be as successful as I can be, and my success is required. I am all I got.

Like I shared in Da Smoke this month —- yes I am still editing don’t judge me —- I am content and I’ve taken the lessons and left the rest.

Almost 2 weeks ago I sent a demand letter. It’s the required first step before any other actions. No I don’t want to walk this road again yet I am also not willing to sacrifice my future.

sigh