At times I wonder if the people around me actually know me. I think it less these days than I used to but the idea still pays me a visit on occasion. There is a difference between never actually seeing a person and seeing them but not possessing the empathy or history to understand what they are going through in the moment. I spent the afternoon with someone who knows me pretty well and sees through when I am putting up a facade and when I am genuine.

Facade you ask? Yes. There are times when you alter how you present to a person you love. Sure it would be a kewl thing to not do that but we all do it on a level. I’ve had times in the past 2 years since my arrival where I’ve smiled and pushed through what I was experiencing for her. She saw them and didn’t question them. Why? Because she knows me and knows that at times that is exactly what I need to move past what has me funky in the moment.

When we spoke this afternoon I was so excited to mention the anniversary. She remembered it. That made me warm inside because those types of events aren’t always something she can remember yet she did…for me. Any wonder why I love her? Because I was otherwise occupied this weekend we caught up on some things and like our conversations frequently do we used all the canvas and painted everything. Well 99.9% of everything I didn’t put one topic on the table but that is because it felt heavy after one of our segments.

We talked about May 2022. I don’t know that it was intentional, but we did. She approached parts of the conversation in a way she hadn’t before and I got to say somethings out loud that I’d only put into the journal. I told her about looking at the video. There is an excerpt of it below. The whole thing is over 20 minutes long. I won’t share it unedited in part because of its content.

The lighting is terrible, the camera angle is awful. I am crying and snot, and the only way I could have been more vulnerable were to be naked, and even so there is a moment when I am topless in the full video. I’d forgotten that I’d made it. It was recorded May 8 – Mother’s Day – the day after and it was super fresh and super raw. It was in a Dropbox folder called video thoughts. When we first got together I used to write the random man emails. He seemed annoyed with them. Can you say red flag? After all that was an issue with Reginald right? Yet, I did something for him I never did for Reginald, I altered myself. He used to say if I wanted him to listen to me, be naked. He meant that literally not figuratively. So when I needed to say something our daily conversations didn’t give space to share I’d strip turn on the camera and talk. He listened. In this video there are maybe 8 seconds of titties, because even 12 hours later I understood us – we – a couple were broken beyond repair. I covered them right back up and continued to talk.

I’d forgotten that I’d made it, and it was recorded for his viewing only at the time. If it was unclear, his approval is not something that I seek nor will I ever again.

I watched it and the other video I sent that day.

I don’t like to see myself that way. I certainly don’t share myself in that way. You get a lot here constant reader but THAT was a moment almost no one ever sees. What I am sharing does have one small edit, a government name. Otherwise you are seeing me unfiltered hours after he broke up with me. Now why? Because of the latest batch of harassment and threats.

It can be easy to look at this and say we both have issues. Shit it might even be correct. One can say I should let it go. One would be right in most cases, yet like July/August of 2022 what I do is a direct response to the attack on me. While what comes next is truly conjecture, it is also the most logical of reasons. In my conversation today she reminisced that she never saw 2 people as connected as we were. How we could complete each others thoughts and in separate conversations to a 3rd party say the same thing. That was true for quite some time, until it was true no longer. After….only one of us still kept the teachings. I was always a good student and that particular topic I excelled. It was a part of how I was able to overcome everything thrown at me after May 7. I still ‘know’ him, not just the him he presented to me because the real him didn’t think I could love him, in my opinion. He obviously never trusted that I could, even though he saw me in action with another. Once I give my commitment it doesn’t waver until you make it clear you no longer value it. And he SAW that yet didn’t love himself enough to trust I would honor him the same. Didn’t trust I would honor him MORE, even though my move was more proof than any human being should ever need.

The latest harassment is a series of tweets. When I was told he had a new account it was locked at first. I said then, he will open it eventually and he did. Ironic how I can predict certain behaviors now but #shrug. He wants to tell ‘his’ side of the story. In the abstract I have no objection to that. Yes it bothers me that he lies. Yes it bothers me that he’s chosen to twist and distort events. That bother is something I would generally have to just live with except….

He is also lying about my criminal history. He is also lying about my credentials. He is also attacking my business and ability to attract and retain clients. It is clear that he’s convinced himself of some of the things he says. I won’t fight that delusion, but I will fight anything and anyone who impacts my progress and future. One of the threats is that he is going to start his own YouTube Channel to continue to defame me. If the channel is full of my ex is fat and was always a sidechick…while only partially true – after all I am fat – go on and be great with that. That is not all there is though, he’s specifically stated he will dedicate at least one video to FYPM. I have to draw the line and defend there. I will if forced.

He keeps talking about proof and receipts, except what he’s put out there so far is neither. The video he says absolves him of my claims which granted me the restraining order shows him being physically aggressive with me. The ‘document’ he says prove I am a convicted criminal does no such thing and its also not an official document. The email where he says I tried to ‘extort’ him for over six thousand dollars is not that. I feel like I actually posted that email and if I didn’t I won’t take the time here I will save it for court.

The video I am about to share is important, but why? Because it was done right after May 7, and it was supposed to be just for him. It wasn’t made with the intention I would have to drop it 18 months later. If even 4% of the story he now tells were true, that woman who made that video would not look like she did. She would not say what she said, or weep as she did. While I am still uncomfortable showing THIS version of me to the world…..I am less comfortable knowing that despite me moving on and living my own life I still have to put up with this from the 2 of them.