We get 29 days this year, and my goal is 29 entries over 29 days. We shall see.
I am experimenting with something that should get me up to Valentine’s Day at least but could end up being all 29.
This is my living history, my reality as it happened once upon a time. The greys have smiled on me and delivered me to Northern California with nothing but open road ahead of me should I want to floor the gas pedal. There will be moment’s I speed, but today I am around the speed limit.
The history of me is here in Black and white, and I am going to grab from it. A comparison of sorts, but also a testament of my power and purpose. Note to self: before the month is out you need to go to Brisbane.
Today’s snippet is from:
I led off with the lyrics of Rescue Me, so I should have suspected it would be a doozy. I was not necessarily expecting this though:
Until now I have lived a life where who I was was never good enough so it was impossible to accept that there was someone out there who was willing to take me as I am.
I always felt as if I had to adjust who I was to be who the other person needed.
We see how that worked out right? Even if you were not in jeopardy —- when that one comes along, you FEEL rescued.
It is a bit of a reminder to me as I expand some things, that trying to change who I am for the sake of saying I got a man doesn’t work. Trying to fit my round body into the square hole doesn’t work.
Those moments where I felt ‘rescued’ with Grant, or John, or Bishop, or even the random man were fleeting. I eventually – and in some moments faster than others – went from feeling rescued to feeling oppressed. That initial YAY I am just like everyone else turns into I am just like everyone else. Resentment comes eventually. Happy feet come. I might cheat, I might just decide its time to roll out. Even worse, I might not do anything and suffer in silence.
On the Portal which sits on my desk I have rotating photos from Instagram. A visual reminder of my story. That part of my story, the trying to relate part isn’t really told. I tell it some here but I don’t tell everything. If I did tell everything folx would be for real upset.
This ain’t about them though, its all about me.
Where I am today is understanding what my role is, and my role is me. If someone comes along and contributes great, if not….at least I am not sleeping next to …..
I wanted what I had with each of them, and with the possible exception of Grant I changed who I was for it. Even him I changed towards the end, after it was already too late. I was on my way to do that again with the random when the Universe said…nope
When those relationships were over and I needed to find myself again there was less and less of me there.
Barcelona was mentioned, and instead of responding I created an intellectual invoice. I won’t ever serve it but I should. Instead of going back to those messages from that time I left it alone. Go me.
Even without going line by line I know I was altering myself even that early. The positive is that now that it is removed from my path, obstacle that it was, I am all clear ahead. Because I am all clear that “I love you” remains unaddressed. We will address it this weekend though, I am not without empathy. I just still don’t see how it enhances me more than the current state of affairs. Until that is apparent, I don’t see the need to change things. It might mean someone falls off the roster but anyone can be replaced any time.
The history of Nicole bring us to 2024 where I state boundaries, I KEEP them, and those who cross them end up like this: