“2020 has been the longest decade of my life.” – me May 4, 2020

2024 has questions. Maybe it is the Leap Day or maybe it is just the life of Nicole.

I was different in March of 2020, shit most of us were. I was still living in Baltimore 4 years ago. Tangent coming, last year I finally severed the last of the ties from Payson St. Low key I will miss the exchanges, I could always count on that source to allow me to flex my muscles in a way. Overall I am glad to be done with it. I still have videos from that time, and I still have every voicemail and email. What can I say, I keep receipts. When I informed him that our interactions were ending he was not pleased. When I walk away from men that tends to be the case. They never really grasp that I won’t come back, or that my life is better without them. He called me a bunch of names. That happens as well when it is time to say good bye. I warned him about his next steps and what can I say? He had to good sense to not test me. I should get him to teach others that lesson but that would require reaching back out to him and I am unwilling to do that.

That is not my confession though.

My confession tonight is the admission that a part of what bothered me, a part of what slowed me down last year was not just the recovery from being blindsided. It was questioning what do I have to offer now?

Vizionz Coaching was launched 4 years ago, and the path to success was clear. I could ethically teach what I had done. My initial niche as they say was to convince corporations to hire the Black chick. I had no way of knowing the summer of 2020 was ahead and what it would contain, it was a matter of showing Black women how to code switch and showing business why they needed Black women. As the year would evolve that niche became MORE relevant but a longer more sustaining one formed in my head. I could show women how to manifest the man of their dreams.

Turned out the man of my dreams is still in those dreams because the one I had was NOT the one he pretended to be. I didn’t know this in 2020. I should say instead I knew it but ignored it. I’d have to go back through the conversations but I am fairly sure by March 2020 we’d had the release conversation and exiting then was something I *should* have done. I know in my new pinned post that I mention:

” I didn’t know then the lesson she was teaching me, but I can see it today, in my current relationship actually, that you can dislike your partner, but still work for the common goal, and if the stars align you can find a way back to the commitment you made to one another. I now know how hard that is, I didn’t then. I now understand a deep, overwhelming love which allows you to consider the pros and cons of leaving the relationship. I also understand that while people on the outside who look in may not understand your actions, it is acceptable to trust your judgment and your partner and taking the chance that it can be ‘fixed’. It won’t always, but the effort is something I had to learn. ”

I would end 2020 with the Blueprint on how to draft your perfect person, attract them and live happily ever after. In 2024 the blueprint still exists but I am not executing it. I’ve asked myself if it is because I no longer believe in love, and that came back as a no. I am still that romantic. So I’ve also asked myself why I haven’t gone back to the drawing board. The truth there is anxiety. I learned the needed lesson to not diminish myself for the sake of the ego of another. Anxiety remains though. I tell myself that furthering the business takes priority, and in many ways it does. I also tell myself the current roster meets my needs, and they do. I remind myself how much I need this space and time. Still affirmative. I listen to the horror stories and the WTFDIM’s and remind myself I like coming home and not having to account for anyone but Micah and I am only babysitting her. Yes to that as well. I am also the girl who sees Aprille and asks do I want that for me? We finally hit a no. I don’t want THAT, the issue is what I DO want I haven’t fleshed out totally. That is anxiety.

The L I took cut deep on many levels and that alters you. If I am not putting in the work to flesh it out, then I am still healing. This would be a moment where I ask myself am I still healing because of the loss or am I bathing in the disappointment to keep from stepping out there again. If I can type that I have my answer don’t I? Yet….dating is ghetto.

The opportunity arrived today. Cameron was right. I told the little one I didn’t think I could shoot my shot, yet while writing this I decided I would do it anyhow. It means I will have to use every inch of what is out there, and it might mean doing something I said I would not. Yet, NOT doing it could cost me in ways that I haven’t even considered. The immediate no would sting, yet I can’t be the woman who wrote Persisted and not take this swing. Besides the answer could be YES and that fucking story would be the closing chapter I need.

I might not be ready to create the male partner but I am ready to make other changes and let’s begin with the first step.