That’s what it felt like yesterday but I suppose is was needed.

WW and I were on our way back from Pizza Hut and while waiting for the light to change on Redwood I caught a ‘chill’ and they asked me what was wrong. I almost fixed my mouth to say ‘nothing’. It is a reflex, also a way to evade and avoid. Almost though, because we’ve created a rule about this and I wanted to honor our rule. I…..I……I almost died here.

I knew we would have to talk about it, but thankfully I was gifted silence those last few moments in the car. Once we were inside and settled the conversation began:

It was the first week of April I think and when the random man was bringing me home from an appointment he’d taken the wrong exit. We roamed around in circles for a while and he got frustrated. He eventually saw the opening, we’d already passed it 2x. I also saw the opening and knew it was not an opening and braced myself for impact when he decided he’d push through it anyhow. We avoided impact thankfully but the rest of that afternoon was ugly and brutal for me. WW wanted to hear it all so I gave it all.

I was still in the background phase for VPD and the investigators were in a city named Vacaville. The random was on medical leave at the time and he agreed to take me to the appointment to avoid the Lyft expense. [god I’d spent so much money on Lyfts at the time]

He was supposed to pick me up at let’s say 10a, but oddly he was late. I chalked it up to him getting delayed while leaving his place, I’d later find out it was more than that. When the random got here, he seemed like himself, mostly. I was distracted, we were running behind and I did not want to be late for the appointment. It wasn’t until we were on 80 East that I saw he was impaired. I’d watched this man over the years. I knew what he looked like high, or drunk. While his driving to the average person would appear to be drunken, I knew it was something else. I felt physically unsafe in the car that morning, and it was a different feeling for me. Up until that moment, I’d always felt safe from the world when I was with him.

When we arrived at my destination he had issues parking. I got out the truck and was walking into the building when I heard a loud crunch. I turned around and saw he’d backed out of the prior parking space and in that process backed onto a Prius. The crunch was the bike rack of his Highlander destroying the front of that Prius. I went into the appointment. I came back out and he was asleep in the truck. In my head I told myself that was the reason he drove so oddly, he was tired. I tried to wake him up for 15 minutes. Calling his phone, knocking on the glass and no response. Now I was worried. He did wake eventually and I offered to drive. He refused and the return trip was just as white knuckling as the prior trip. He got off at the wrong exit which is how we ended up going in circles and him exiting the cul de sac in the manner he did. I didn’t realize it at the time but for a man who’d lived here for 7 years before my arrival he knew nothing about this town of ours. It makes sense now, when I think back on his angry responses when I’d ask questions about the city. I mean really angry. Once more, it makes sense. I was pushing a trigger, I just didn’t know there was one.

That same day of the exit through the break in the fence even though it is not an exit was the patio incident. I told that story as well. WW sat pretty quietly as I recounted the events. I don’t know what I thought the response should be but quite wasn’t really on the Bingo card. WW then said, you never told me how he broke up with you. Via text I responded. For the first time in this story of Nicole WW had a visible reaction.

I explained that the parking lot hit and run triggered an investigation. I got a call from Vacaville PD asking what I knew. I turned into Lil Kim and covered for him. Turns out that there were cameras with video and audio in the parking lot. I could not explain away me obviously hearing the impact, turning around and apparently saying Daddy. Officer Whatever asked if the random was my father and I said no my boyfriend. I had a choice then, would I continue to cover for the random and risk my employment or self preserve. I tried to do both. When I hung up from Officer Whoever, I immediately reached out the the random. I told him not to pick up the phone if it was from Vacaville and to call me so I could explain. I did and his response was a distressed face emoji.

The Saturday the random broke up with me Vacaville PD had called me once more. The officer said the random was not being responsive and if they didn’t hear from him they would be taking the case to the DA’s office. I told the officer I could add nothing more and wished him luck. Then right back to warning the random and relaying the message. I also told the random to not talk to the officer without first talking to a lawyer. That might have opened the conversation which eventually happened with the random and KK that afternoon, and by that evening WhatsApp pinged me and the end of my relationship arrived.

WW asked to see the message. I opened up my phone and scrolled to the date and passed the phone. WW read, and read, and read. I told WW I still had the printout and offered that instead of them continuing to scroll. They shook their head so I just waited, quietly for them to finish. Watching someone else react to those messages was an odd experience. These were the things I’d said, and said in essentially in the same fashion as what was in the phone. I haven’t ever lied about the matter. Me telling the truth though, it hits differently when someone else can see the words, unedited and uninterrupted.

WW would ask a question and I would give context but those were infrequent. WW asked how I could remain as calm as I did though those exchanges. I shared the truth, I’ve never wanted to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. I would deal with the loss of my love in my way, over time, but there was not a need to cheap shot or fight because that would be trying to keep someone who did not want to be kept. In the first couple days after the text, I was still hopeful that the man I loved and thought I knew would maintain the integrity I thought they possessed and not force me to fight to exist.

I also shared that now after all this time passed, I realized the random needed to change the narrative to continue his path. I didn’t see it then, but back then I was in struggle mode and survive mode and my heart was shattered. I would not see what he was doing beyond putting my existence at risk. The interruption of having to re-visit that moment in time allowed me to now explain things previously beyond explanation.

Yes it is conjecture on my part, after all no one can ever actually know the motives of someone else, but it is the most logical and we all know at my core I am logical. WW commended me on staying calm then…and now. I shared that then I had no other option and now it is a chapter of my life like any other. It happened and I can talk about it without the added seasoning. I still feel the emotions, but adding them into the repeat isn’t necessary. WW asked if things were quiet and once more I shared, mostly. There are still subliminals out there, and yes they are annoying but as long as they remain in their current form, I just screenshot and keep it moving.

WW asked about the YouTube channel. I explained I don’t know if it exists, but if it does the Universe will show me. WW asked what I will do if it does exist. I shared my plan for that.

Then fat on pizza we went on with our afternoon. I realize NOW that the anniversary is close but I have zero plans to interrupt my life for a moment of acknowledgement. I am prepared though if that is eventually a requirement.