01/04/2024

But I’m no longer allowing your anxiety to dictate the course of my actions nor this relationship. I will not spend another single year year subject to your anxiety. I want you to really understand what these words mean. I’m not angry, I’m resolute.

I will never again beg you to address a problem that I think is obvious. I will never again agree to any demotion of my authority in my own household.

I will never again go down the path of allowing your resentment, fear, depression, or anxiety dictate what I do.

I’m no longer going to suppress natural self due to your emotional dictates.

06/01/2024

has made it so that I can live my life in the best fashion, as my best self. I care for her as I have no other before, and I was married once. No one has affected me the way she has. As such, I like to make her world as soft as reasonably possible.

I haven’t spent a lot of time in that space lately, not even with the anniversary so recent.

A part of it was the way the month of May started off, the other part was how it ended. The in between was full of many things, both positive and less than.

I was asked if I were still angry and I feel like the answer to that will always be yes. I hold onto things. The happy stuff doesn’t always get the press but I hold onto it all the same. What promoted this was the weekly check in. Why? Because things don’t change and receipts don’t collect themselves.

There is a recent trend bitching about single moms and hoes etc etc etc. Drizzle drizzle and the proclamation that the world is great. The constant chatter used to annoy me, and while it kinda still does, I better understand the dysfunction. I have gratitude that I was delivert from it but because love was once present annoyance is here as well .

I needed an aha moment to connect the dots, and once it happened I knew this would be the last of things until new shots were fired.

In my 51 years I’ve internalized a lot, and in the lead up then aftermath of 2022 that habit did not change. I spent IMO too much time making adjustments and performing. I get that the bulk of that was conditioning I am still re-writing. I changed the question I was asking and it changed my world. I stopped asking why did I care and started asking why did they care. As is always true I was shown why they care and it allowed me to alter my trajectory.

I still don’t 100% know how I feel about it. Angry, sad something else also but it is a complicated mixture that might not ever fully dissolve. I mean after all, I still have this complicated mixture when it comes to Kahlil and that door is closed tighter than this one.

What is not complicated to me is understanding that I will not ever extend the same grace to Becky or Karen or whatever I call her here, I did within the confines of the connection. While our paths are unlikely to cross again without uncharacteristic behavior on her part, should that occur, I am not restrained by law nor love. My only restraint is me not bullying someone so beneath me, but even that has its limits.

I still have a shit ton of editing to do, and I might just begin to outsource it because I am swamped. I have 6 collaborations I haven’t responded to yet. I am not likely to say yes to any of them, but being courted feels nice. Others in my position would be taking all the offers but I am still delusional enough to be picky. That delusion has delivered many victories to my doorstep and this will be no different.

I am moving slower right now but moving I am. In that movement I am not going to Georgia this year. I really wanted to see Montview but it is not going anywhere. I need to figure out the backend so that I can publish this course but I have the web designer and StanStore so I can sell it I just have to be patient until I can do it in a way which makes me smile. Speaking of smiles I have to get to the dentist and while that is something I dread, it is the one cosmetic issue that could impact my progress. Of course some would say other things but outside of the chip alllll of the other things are selling points.

The descriptions came from venom which is placed at me when that finger should be turned inward but I don’t wear a cape for you any longer my nigga. I could even say nigger because of my bloodline but I won’t.

One thing I am certain of, I need a studio so next spring we are going to have to go 2 br.

Another thing I am certain of is that what remains true