The BFF was the person who first shared the song with me. If you knew the BFF you’d understand how odd I thought it was at the time. These days, those ‘odd’ occurrences don’t perplex me because, welp my life is fucking odd.

I haven’t done this in a while, and while you have no idea what I mean by ‘this’, I do. I am just hoping the change in scenery will jump start a few things. Because I love my place I don’t do changes of scenery often. I ask myself at times if that is also a #traumaresponse and I am never surprised at the answer – yes.

In a session yesterday I was asked what made me pick this path. I abbreviated it of course but the reality is that after that weekend in Exton I knew that people need the service and they need it from those who are more interested in their progress than them progressing through all the steps. Shit I am still going through some of the ‘steps’ myself.

I have a lot to do in the next 9 months and it feels like all of the time in the world to do them. I know better though. I know a lot.

I was reminded yesterday of a reality that I had not planned to revisit. Tomorrow I have to begin a reality I had not planned to traverse. Life comes at you fast.

I am not in Georgia and oddly enough other than missing the little one I am not feeling like I am missing out. I do feel as if I am missing people, and I am. The people will be there though…for the most part. Some might depart but those who the Universe has for me will remain.

I thought I had a blood clot. I’ve felt like crap for weeks, but me being me I pushed it down and aside. Too much to do I told myself. I don’t have time to be sick. I still don’t but that doesn’t make me less sick. I got to the point where I realized what was happening to my body could be serious enough to take me out of here, and if I didn’t have time to be sick, I certainly did not have time to be dead.

I went to the ER. A week later I returned with a diagnosis of Sarcoidosis, blood pressure medication and oxygen. I didn’t expect that turn of events but they happened. I now needed to learn how to live a life I did not plan to live. This wasn’t the first time that has happened to me, and it might not be the last. Because it is not the first time the adjustment is not as harsh as it could be. It is harsh though. I thought it would be something else that would change me, but it is my own body telling me that that I am doing is not working.

There is a phrase used in the industry – imposter syndrome. While I cannot say that is my affliction, I will admit that my own shit slows down progress. I remind myself I am combating 40 years of conditioning and that helps at times. I remind myself the words I read are written by a sad person, frustrated in their decisions. That helps at times. I remind myself of all which I’ve accomplished and that also helps. Doesn’t stop it, I don’t know if anything will stop it, so I must manage it. This space is a part of where I manage it, and I’ve not given myself this space because of the ever present watchmen. For better or worse it is time I took the space back because I will need every weapon in my arsenal to deal with that comes next.

What comes next?

Change.

I used to fear change. I still can’t say I enjoy it, but I do not fear it.

I ask myself how much of the flare up can be attributed to recent events. There is a lot happening in the life of Nicole these days. The truth is that I won’t ever fully know, I can only suspect. The low iron wasn’t triggered by anything other than a faulty uterus, but the symptoms of it were ignored because of the stress of the household while experiencing them.

The disease isn’t caused by the stress of the house, but the stress of the house could have very well caused the flare up. Sure I have stress, we all do. I don’t have the exact same stress I did a year ago, or 2 but yes I still have stress. I don’t have the stress of living a lie though and that is more than likely what has me on the mend. Recovery will be slow, and I am ready for that.

Recovery has also revealed some things I was unaware of and that is a blessing.

I am suing my employer. I’ve been there before. The last time I had the vocal support of someone I valued. I know today what that was worth but then it meant the world to me. Today I have the support of people who love me, authentically. They give more than words. They give more than the occasional dollar bill. Should things fall apart, I won’t have to worry about them trying to ruin me or leave me homeless. I can’t see things falling apart though. That doesn’t mean they won’t, it just means this foundation is not built on lies and sand. I did it alone essentially last time. Stop. I did it alone. Me vs the company. I still chuckle when I think about the court house visits and the arrogance. Not just chuckle though, it also makes me a little sad. Day after day I was observed building a case from scratch, one of the hardest things to prove. Somehow they thought I would not bring the same energy to my own defense I did for my own desire. I am not alone this time. I have a Beverly Hills law firm. They are also attaching to something else, but no need to explore that right now.

I am launching my video courses. Currently I have even less time and energy but we are still on pace for launch day.

I am planning the move. While do love this space, on the other side of the launch I will have outgrown it. Petty me had a plan, and petty me lives on, but there are bigger things to be done. I am bigger.

I have an explanation for that also. Can’t lie hearing it hurt but there is a reason for it and I am thankful.

If I’m being honest my best scenario would be to go on medical leave until the case is over, but the receivables aren’t enough to pay all the bills. Some, not all and until the answer is all the choice is simple. Grind it out. I done harder things. I will continue because I am exceptional.

That might be the biggest AHA of these events, knowing I am exceptional and how I almost settled for ….mediocre.

I have a shit ton of paperwork to sort through tomorrow and a week full of appointments ahead.

I don’t have all of the answers, but I don’t need them. I just need to keep doing that which I am doing.

I ain’t lost since I been here, that won’t begin now.