Where to begin? I don’t know where the beginning actually is, but I woke this morning knowing that I’ve been here before. Since I’ve been here before, that in theory means I won’t spend as much time on the pivot but who knows.

This was not how I wrote this portion of my life, but me not writing it doesn’t mean that I am not required to live it.

Today is Catherine’s birthday. She’d be over 100 by now.

I was going to have to deal with this emotionally like I do every year. I wasn’t expecting the additional stuff. Bonnie’s birthday is tomorrow, as well as Aunt Doris. Historically these have been rough days for me. This year I have the added weight of current life.

I had an appointment with the pulmonologist yesterday and the news was a gut punch. I still find it almost comical that at the end of the day when the day ends it was not the Marlboros. The doctor says I have to cart this portable machine around with me for the rest of my life. I say the devil is a lie.

I’ve been so busy doing one thing I didn’t realize I would have to do something I already did.

That announcement shook my core yesterday and after the little one left I leaned into all the sad. The questions about who am I? If I can no longer be __ what does that mean? How do I ___ with a tube sticking out of my nose?

I have had these questions before and answered them. Well…not the exact same ones but similar enough the blueprint was created.

I started this on the 28th and today is the 29th. Happy Birthday Bonnie.

Today and for parts of the day after until some things are answered I have extra work to do. I don’t fear work. I’d hoped to be able to focus on just one thing but the Universe said juggle bitch so back to high school I go.

It’s taken a month to get to the point where a full day of activity is possible. I’ve never been chronically ill before and it is an adjustment. One I was not ready to manage but when did being ready mean anything?

I am going to have to let ____go. I don’t have the energy to cultivate this connection while focusing on this next steps. I’m not disappointed. They might be, but that is not my concern in the moment.

I’ve had quite a few moments of tradition smacking me in the face the past couple days and that is ugly in a sense. This is a moment and a lesson, I will use it and it adds to the legend of Nicole. June is almost over and that is a blessing.