I think I can get back to Saturday morning recaps. I mean this is the afternoon but this week we are going to make it count.

In therapy I had the talk and had to admit it is time to medicate again. It is difficult to not think of this as a set back or failure. Well it isn’t exactly, I choose to see it in that manner. The reality is though it is not a failure, it is an admission that I need assistance and that from me is a victory. I spent a lot of years either refusing to ask for help or denying that it was required. I don’t plan to spend the rest of what I have left doing just that.

It is a different medication this time and while I didn’t screen cap my face I know the one I was making. I hear that and think bitch you crazy! I mean….

What’s more important to me is bitch don’t fall off the rails and this should help prevent that tilt.

I worry it will dull my senses and libido. It might, but in this moment I need to get a handle on things and if that requires slower responses and less intercourse so be it. I have to play the long game and that means being ready to do distance. I can’t go far in my current state, physically. In my head I can, but pragmatically let’s fess up to not being in fighting shape. Don’t get it twisted I am not far off from 2022 Nicole but I am not 2022 Nicole so retrain it is.

The paperwork stack is piling up and I need to make a dent into it this weekend. I have renewals and certifications that need completion. I have scheduling to do. I have people to interview and I still have a ton of editing. I really just want to lay on the sofa but I won’t. After this I am going to turn on some music and make some progress. I might even cook tonight.

I was invited out and I don’t know that I am ready for that YET but having them reach out and remind me that despite me trying to close myself off they don’t plan on going anywhere is comforting. I need that reminder from time to time that integrity is not just a word in the dictionary and loyalty is valued by someone other than me. I appreciate the Universe not allowing me to forget that at times like this.

I was reminded of a time before. I won’t go into those details because I am not walking into that head space today but understanding that what I gave would not be what I got is another moment of good looking out there for me and thank you.

I can make one more adjustment and if my stamina sticks with me I will. I still have options and that is a good thing. I might crash sleep at 9p because I wore myself out but even that is better than the alternative.