I spent part of the day yesterday re-doing the bathroom. That is one of the happy things I get to do here that I don’t speak of often. At times I will take a look around decide I want to make an alteration then I do it. Simple. I still have things to hang in there but what was more important in a TMI type of was was the toilet. The therapist and I might have to have a conversation about my toilet PTSD. I mean Clyde flushed my partial. There was more than one occasion where I had to manually remove the toilet and then also put it back myself. Toilets are not lightweight, nor are they especially appealing when you have to remove them it is for a reason and that reason will involve things you eliminated from your body. Yuck.

The toilet has been an issue with me for a moment and I had the energy so I got it done. I might have waited for ____ to assist or even do it but I had the energy so I got it done. In this house we celebrate all victories and having the energy to work on the bathroom counts. In the past 2 weeks I had to replace the coffee maker, the microwave and yesterday I removed the bidet from my toilet. A thought occurred to me that those were all things gifted in my early days here and they are gone and replaced. I remember that trip to Target and always looking over my shoulder seeking approval and waiting to see if my needs were an acceptable expense. Even though at the register I was reaching for my wallet I understood that it was a futile action. He pulled out the red card and back to the apt we went. Funny how hopeful we were then, both of us. Odd that I was so opposite of my standard and waited for approval. That was a different time in life, and while I am unlikely to return to that station in my remaining days I look back at it with curiosity. I might always be looking for life lessons, and they exist in this moment.

There are items here that won’t be replaced any time soon, but those early necessary items are gone. Back then I thought I needed help. I did and I do. There is not weakness in admitting that I cannot walk through life alone. I thought that I could not do this without his contribution. That day was an example even though I had the means to accomplish the purchase on my own, I leaned into having that support. That support came with a price, but that realization is hindsight. In that moment it was adding to the foundation, at least for me in my word and deed. Those items though were just things, and they’ve been replaced like many things over the years. I loved my pink Keurig, but my black machine with the milk frother is an upgrade. The microwave was basic, this one is also basic but the style fits more with who Nicole is that the other. The bathroom…that was the point.

Removing the bidet took a little muscle but I still have that thankfully. I switched out the toilet seat as well. That was a gift from the little one, but of course just because it is a gift doesn’t mean it has to last forever. I mean it was a toilet seat, it WON’T last for ever. The love behind it lasts but it is okay to let go of the physical and retain the emotional. There is also some ‘stuff’ with it that I am not gonna share but I am really ok with tossing that seat.

The date is not lost to me. I don’t feel the same today as I have other times this date arrived. Growth and shit.

I’ve got a lot to get done today while I still have some energy it is limited. Recovery is still a thing.

There was conversation about how this diagnosis is altering me, altering how I navigate life, how I respond to new barriers. I had to admit that I am holding myself back and question why. I will explore and eventually I will step out. Life requires it, my path demands it. What I am proud of is that I keep moving, and yes it is a challenge at times.

August is going to be a month of decisions and I welcome that. Time to hit the road though some things won’t get done unless I do them, and when I choose to do them I do them well.