I am pretty good at internalizing. Not just applying circumstance to myself but also not vocalizing that which ails me. I have more going on than I’ve shared and this morning I felt all of it. This moment will pass like all moments do, but I have to admit the feelings.

In about an hour I am back at it, and I am beginning to feel the pressure. I ask myself what if, and know the response I should have but knowing the answer and living the answer are 2 different things.

I’d like this portion of the program to end so I can move onto the next thing, and I am missing my person.

I am still in awe kinda at who they’ve become in my life and me ADMITTING who they are in my life. I don’t want to imagine my life without them.

As much as this new space is now home, and I am grateful for the security it gives me, it can also be a little isolating. What’s wrong with that is I’ve allowed my life to be shared and those quiet moments scream quite loudly at times. I might not be ready to co-habitate but I absolutely want them around more. Wanting them around more would mean making alterations and for them I could do it, but overall I don’t actually have that desire. I am in that moment where I want to be alone but I want them in reach also. Yuck.

I have multiple things I need to get done in March and April and I have to trip to plan at the end of the summer. Why I want to go THERE in August has me questioning my intelligence, but I will do it anyhow.

I think what might have put me on tilt today was Survivor. I have TV now, and I watch it. I’d gone for so long without it that having it again is a little strange. I still listen to music more through it than not but after talking to a friend who mentioned the show I tapped back in. This season there is a guy from Sac who I am rooting for, and he made a connection with a young woman on the spectrum. She was in the middle of a meltdown and he comforted her and I’ve been in shambles since.

Why?

A lot of it is missing Clyde. I don’t type about it much here because of how much it hurts, but the pain doesn’t ease. Ever.

I recall how anygry I was reading that ‘thing’ and there was a lot to generate anger but that lead off, its up for ever after that. Someone – anyone questioning what it takes to carry this daily makes me want to burn down the world, them first. There is a hole in my heart every day, and while I am fortunate to have a life here and be surrounded with love, that hole in my heart will always remain. It is both the separation and the admittance that well I admit it to myself and that is what matters even if I do not type it out here in this moment. I though about sliding through and putting a temporary band aid on the moment but not today. I am going to use this energy for my meeting and then see where the day takes me.

I don’t sleep the same when they are not here, and that matters.

There are 4 things I have to do in the next 90 days and I am unsure if I can get them done. I do know I will keep swinging because that is who I am.

I could use some sunshine today Universe